This is what helped me. This isn’t guaranteed to help you. LONG POST

Feel free to ask questions lol I’ll try to answer

I’ve successfully been able to reduce RJ to a minimum. I hardly ever experience it anymore and when I do, I know how to lessen the effects. This means very little obsessive thinking, no deep diving, little to no mind movies— all that.

When I first started developing signs of RJ, my ex partner had lied to me about numerous things. For the first time in our relationship I’d been torn apart. Before then, I didn’t care who he’d had sex with, how many people he kissed, what he did with who— but afterwards i was screwed. I was angry, hurt, and couldn’t get past it. It took a lot of self work. Anyways! I did eventually leave him for numerous other reasons.. buuuut..

Now for the first time in a long ass time, my face is getting red at the thought of someone. So I figured I’d share my tips and strategies…Not only on how I got through it back then but also how I’m improving myself now to avoid it happening again.

I don’t sugarcoat stuff & this is raw, so I ain’t leaving out the bad stuff lol

1. Journaling. Yes, its a pain in the ass. When I say journal, I don’t mean the soft “I went shopping today” journaling. Oh no, I mean a place where you can get the worst of the worst out. And then work through the thought process correct it.

I clearly remember writing something like “he enjoyed sex with her and it makes me want to claw my throat out” and it was the truth. I’d been sobbing my eyes out and at the time that is how I felt.

Then, let’s say, with that same sentence.. I would go back and write something like “he enjoyed sex with her and that does not change my value as a person. I do not deserve to hate myself because of it”. Then read it, take a deep breath, read it again. And again. Then I’d go back and sometimes cross out the original sentence.

This process takes your most painful thoughts and turns them into something more productive. It isn’t easy, but I did this daily and it helped.

The hardest to do this with was the statements that were facts. E.g. “He enjoyed sex with her and that’s okay.” Sucked to write but I did it anyways.

1. Mind movies suck fucking balls

Mind movies fucking tormented me when I struggled the most with rj. I could hardly fuckin eat because of it.

In my case mind movies were sourced from the obsessive thought of what the other person looked like how much my at the time partner enjoyed it. I’d end up nauseous and hardly able to look at my own body.

The source of where they come from is likely going to reveal the solution.

Pick key phrases that will actively diminish thoughts and a key image you can spontaneously think in your head (preferably something funny or happy). When you start feeling yourself begin to daydream about it, override the thought with one of your key phrases or key images.

Key phrases I used: “It doesn’t matter what she looked like. She means nothing to either of us” “That has literally nothing to fuckin do with me Shutup” (yes really) “Yeah, she was hot. Me too, so blows raspberry” “Him enjoying that doesn’t change my worth”

My key image was actually the scene in Cinderella where they’re dancing in the ballroom lol. I loved it as a kid, watched it on repeat so much I can imagine it in my head. If you are having trouble triggering that image / new movie in your head.. try finding a key part of a movie or show you like. If it has a song in the background, hum the damn thing

You’ll be so busy humming / laughing at a joke from a show / whatever it’ll push the mind movie outta your head

1. Growth hurts and it always will

Understand and accept that you are hurting. It can and will heal. You’re most likely feeling angry because it’s easier to be angry than it is to be sad.

Repeat that to yourself over and over. That you’re GOING to heal and be okay, but you’re hurting right now. Think about ways that you would help someone hurting. Treat yourself firmly but with care.

Rip the bandaids off that need to be. Stop keeping them on and festering because you’re scared it’s gonna hurt. No shit Sherlock, of course it is. But You CAN’T change that.

What you can, however, change is how you react to that pain. Rip the bandaid off and instead of throwing a fit because it hurt, let it hurt and then let yourself forget about it.

1. Cut out social media.

No tiktok, no Facebook, no Instagram— none. Pinterest can be catered toward growth and happy things.

Social media THRIVES off of controversy and jealousy. They’ll encourage the obsessive thinking without knowing the consequences.

1. Icebergs will cause this whole bitch to go down

when they say anger is the tip of the iceberg, it’s true. JEALOUSY is also the tip of the iceberg. You need to dig deep and let yourself cry like a baby and move past the real issues.

Maybe you’re insecure about your body beneath the surface. So go look at how to fix THAT issue.

Worried you don’t please your partner enough in bed? Watch some videos, read an article, or a book (literal smut also works). Or if you’re comfortable write down what your worries are and then ask your partner “how can I make you feel even better in bed?”

Worried you’re gonna be left for someone else? Abandonment issues. Go read on that, do the work.

1. Make sure your needs are being met Go look for some ways to reintroduce romance into your relationship. Foreplay isn’t just fingering and kisses in my eyes. It’s flirting, getting the other person to squirm a little from comments.

And on an emotional level, see that your NEEDS are being met. Do you feel safe talking to them? Do you worry they will abandon you, why? Etc etc. Try to make sure your needs are being met there within reason.

Okay, anyways now here’s how I’m preventing this shit from happening again:

Learn to spot the signs-

Intrusive thoughts, comparison to another person, sudden self esteem drops, sudden anxiety, intrusive questions (did he enjoy __?) (I wonder if…), the urge to scream kick and cry lol, general jealousy

And any others you personally experienced rigggght before it hit.

Learn to target the signs—

Less screen time and more hobbies. Painting and yoga and whatever the fuck ya want.

Daily self care, emotionally. Sit and force yourself to say good things about yourself.

Override any intrusive questions with “the answer to that doesn’t matter”

Write down what’s bothering you and why, then write down if it is in your control. If it is not within your control, make a note to leave it be, that it no longer matters.

Relinquish your hold on things that make your hands bleed.

Hope it helps :)