I've been using A-PCyP for a week, stopped today to have a week break I've also been drinking and using kratom 3g 3x daily. Drinking has been 5x 9% beers I was drinking at each kratom dose and 2 at night when I wanted to try and sleep.

4 days in with maybe 6 hours of sleep with plenty of food and water I saw shadows running through the house, my best friends dad had passed Friday going into saturday this passed weekend whom I'd grown up with called him pops (my own father passed 21 years ago so didn't bother me doing that). It was kids laughing and playing some sounded like my own family others sounded like my friend and his family. I was tearing up I realized I should have done more with family, the past 5 years I always pursued what I wanted, barely got my wife anything she wanted

I started to notice my subconscious was auto playing negative shit, people literally talking mad shit about everything I did wrong (feelings of regret, guilt). I was going outside and saying loud come do something then, getting aggressive at whatever was talking in my mind. It always got louder when the fan was on or some noise, I turned everything off but still heard it.

The kids playing and peaceful atmosphere had dissipated when I become aggressive and hateful.

Finally I told myself none of it was real, when I realized it I was shattered. Somthinge tore me from the insane shit I always believed in, highly egotistical stuff like I'll make myself so useful people will need me more. I lack humility, anytime I helped someone I'd tell everyone what good I did that day, buy myself stuff at a 3:1 rate over the others in my household whom I was the provider for. Never wanted to give back affection I wanted to receive. I've been horribly selfish, lied often, spent money my family could have used to buy things they wanted and most of what they wanted was to appreciate me. Never wanted to be thanked because then I would see I was loved and it'd eliminate the inevitable mentioning by me that I was the provider and until they match my effort I'll do what I want.

It hurts to see what I did, when I stopped feeding into the bs, the kids playing came back. I felt love and innocence all around me, then my wife woke up to me cleaning and cooking breakfast. I just said I apologize and that I'll do whatever it takes to appreciate everything she has done for me the last 10 years. Went to sleep that night woke up, still felt that change sober.

Idk if that was ego death but it changed me so much over night that I actually mourned my friend's father passing,and my father's and sisters passing, both my father's parents as well. I havent used in 2 days and still feel that change but ultimately I think something has to change further for me to maintain this feeling, this sub has been a blessing and a curse. But the amount of experience here is amazing I thank all of you and if you have some experiences similar or suggestions I'd really love to hear.

For the record I wasn't ever a violent husband. I was neglectful, but that's abuse in and of itself. I've reached out for professional help she's expressed she'd like to as well. If I was that bad at navigating emotion doing it myself could be bad.