First time I tried FXE, I did an allergy test and then 20mg. It was such a pleasant feeling. Everything was warm and everything was a triangle. The world was full of triangles. I watched as the triangles split and formed into new triangles.

Second time I did 40mg. I didn't have any visuals that time, but the warm feeling persisted. I was overly giggly and felt like being drunk without being drunk. All in all it was a chill experience.

Third time I got a new scale which is more sensitive than the one I was using. I calibrated it and went to measure 55mg. Took it orally. About 15 minutes later I felt a little off. I suddenly couldn't focus on the task I was doing. And then it hit me. All at once. The entire world melted away and my only thought was, "oh shit, I fucked up". I couldn't feel my arms. I tried sitting up, but fell back into the bed like I was a ragdoll. "What did I do? Something went wrong." Everything was a soft white, like I was suspended in the middle of a cloud. The world was gone and I was floating, floating through a cloud while cold water lapped over my body slowly. I felt like a seashell that found landfall, nuzzled into the wet sand as the edges of the ocean washed over me. I spent an eternity in that quiet moment.

"What do I do!?" Pierced through my head. That's right. I have a head. I am a person. I am. My partner was frantic. I need to calm him down. I'll throw up, that's what I need to do. Move your body. As I fumbled my way off the bed, my legs disappeared from beneath me. The carpet is so soft, yet so rough. You can't OD off of this, right? Now I'm not so sure. I've never experienced this before. Is this what dying feels like? "Am I breathing?" I shouted. Are my lips blue?" "Watch my breathing! It's okay. I'm okay". So this is what they mean by a k hole. I'm in the hole. Everything is fine. This is part of the process. My soul was floating above my body, rocking back and forth as a balloon might in a summer breeze. A fuzzy looking translucent cord connected this new me to my old me. Huh, I thought. Like when I was connected to my mom....my mom. MY MOM. I can't leave her. I can't die.

Once again, words pierced through the fog, "You're scaring me". Focus Jessica. Where are you? What are you? Carpet. That's right. I'm on the carpet. How did I get down here? I took too much, measured wrong. This wasn't suppose to happen. Phone. Get help. Wait, I'm still breathing. It's okay. This is dissociation. I have no body. Enjoy it. You aren't dying.

I let go of my fear for a moment and everything is silent. I'm in a vortex. The walls are moving around me counter clockwise. An array of whites, creams, and silvers. It's beautiful. I'm in the hole. Is this where my dad went when he left us? I miss him. Him....him..i...i...am on the floor. Reach for the phone. Friend will know what to do. Call 911 if need, but no need. I start to text my friend when suddenly my phone screen multiplies by 100. Hundreds of identical screens are staggered and stacked up all around me, going into infinity. Some are floating away in different directions. The letters are popping off the screen. Grab them! I reach for a letter and wrap my arms around it. I need you to help me I whisper to the letter. Help me reach my friend. Help me calm my partner. I don't want to scare him. Reluctantly the letter returns to the screen and let's me boop it. I DID IT. I texted my friend. I'm in the hole and I managed to get help. He reassures me. Now relax. All is well. "I feel weird" the words reverberated through my soul. Oh shit. Thats right. He took some too. If I messed up mine, I messed up his! Fuck, fuck, fuck. Focus. He needs you. He drops hard and fast into the hole. Focus. I reach for his hand. "I'm here" I say. "Right here. It's okay. We are okay. Enjoy the ride. Let the water wash over you. Listen to the music. Can you hear my voice?" He's freaking out. So I can't freak out. Stay calm. Calm for him. Calm for me. Everything is calm, the beach is calling me.....NO. I can't go anywhere, I need to stay here. I squeeze his hand. We are okay. I've got you. I won't let anything bad happen to you. Now I'm floating, but not nearly as high, just above my body. I've never loved somebody more than in this very moment. Love. That's it, isn't it? That's the whole point. The end boss. To love and to be loved. How lucky am I? He's going to throw up. Oh yeah, I need to throw up too. We crawl across the floor on our bellies and make our way to the bathroom. I have a fleeting thought of how absurd we must look. What went wrong? Or maybe...what went right?

We spend the next hour puking, my head resting in his lap. Talking softly all the while. "Listen to my voice. We are okay. We are alright. Relax. I'm here with you."

And we were, and are okay. I am still unsure what went wrong. I calculated correctly, coverted correctly. We have instituted new house rules of triple safety checks to ensure this never happens again. All in all the experience was about 2 hours.