I should preface this by saying that I was born and raised in an Independent Fundamental Baptist Church that was very cult like and which lead to a lot of spiritual abuse.

I left that environment years ago, and I do still cherish the genuine spiritual experiences I did have, but at the same time, I have grown as a person and honestly, I find it hard to go back to it.

Yet I also feel a draw towards Christianity, it feels like home yet, at the same time, it feels alien to me now. God in Christianity feels ... angry, more focused on their own superiority rather than on spiritual growth. Yet Jesus seems caring and loving but also something of a doomsday preacher.

I suppose I am just conflicted. I have a great loss of spiritual identity due to having to leave my abusive upbringing and no matter what, I can't find my way, yet can't seem to find my way back to Christianity, if that is the way.

I do find much peace in some non-Christian practices like meditation, but I also acknowledge them to be more psychological aids.

I am also trans and bisexual which just adds even more strain on the Christianity front.

I want to find my home and Christianity feels like it, yet also doesn't.