Hey everyone.

I might be posting this in several subreddits because i am really scared and really need some advice because i don't know what to think anymore.

I am undergoing cancer treatment for the second time in 2 years and it has been a hard time. I had some serious complications and now on different meds which help me to feel my legs again. I am in so much pain i might have to euthanise because i can't live with this pain for much longer. I honestly don't want to die but the pain is becoming unbearable. I can't do the things i love anymore, and i can't sleep.

The meds have a lot of side effects. I keep forgetting things, i have big mood swings. I am becoming fat and puffy while i used to be very fit and beautiful. I feel people don't want me anymore. I am just a wreck, putting up my happy face with friends and feel like shit when i am alone. Tomorrow i am asking for a brain scan to make sure the forgetfullness is not just cancer in my brain (because it could have spread). I am really really scared for what is about to come. It's all very much for me and i am in constant pain.

Me and my partner have been living together for years and he struggles with my illness. He tries to support me but it's a lot for him. I spend time with friends daily to relieve the pressure from my partner. It is not going well with him, he can't deal with the stress very well. He even cried for the first time in 10 years because he cannot bear the stress anymore.

This morning i woke up in an empty bed. I heard my partner coming from the guest room. He came in, and was clearly upset. I asked him what was going on. He told me that the night before we went into a fight. I have literally zero memory of this. I can't remember it AT ALL. Last thing i remember is us sitting on the coach downstairs before going to bed, having a small drink.

So when he told his story this morning, this was pretty difficult for me, even scary. I said sorry a few times. I doubted if he was telling the full truth.

The whole situation of me being on meds, very very anxious and scared, losing my memory, thinking that everyone is against me, made me doubt him. I told him i just was not sure if He was telling the full truth. He got very very upset, packed his stuff and left. i feel abandoned because i counted on his support during this scary time. He left because he just could not do it anymore and he needed space. Heard nothing from him and i have no idea when he will be back. We live together but hes at a friends house for now. I am moving to the rehab clinic soon.

Well now i have no idea what to think and what to do. I am really confused and i am afraid that my mind is too blurry to make a good decision. I am sure he left because it was all too much for him but i don't know if i want to be with someone who cannot deal with me in his life. I need someone i can rely on. I want him to be here for me, but not like this.

I know my situation is complicated. But i am hoping to find some support on here. Whenever i talk with a therapist they don't give their opinion off course, they just listen. But i really need advice.

TLDR: I am undergoing camcer treatment and the meds make my mind foggy and my mental health unstable. Besides feeling unstable i am scared. I got into an argument with my partner because i forgot our fight from the night before and i didn't immediately believe his side of the story. I have trust issues and being on all these meds amplifies my mental issues. My partner was so mad, he packed his bags and left. I feel abandoned and it's causing me a lot of stress. I really need some advice because i don't know if i should try to work this out or to just break up.