Hey everyone. I’m in a rough spot and could really use some advice. Also: sorry for the long post and poor writing.

My boyfriend (M,26) and I (M,23) have been together for a little over 3 and a half years. We met on tinder and have continued to grow together. We currently live together which makes this particularly complicated. I have one year of college left whereas he has 3-4 left.

I want to preface everything by saying that this is all from my perspective and his shouldn’t be discounted. We’ve had our highs and lows, but I do believe we love each other.

I’m feeling misunderstood and honestly, I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped and waiting for someone who will never be who I thought they were.

Our most recently fight was ridiculous. He was mad at the cat because the cat jumped on the counter. I understand it. The cat had just gotten out of the litter box and that is gross. I cleaned it afterwards and heard him slam the bedroom door. I gave him a couple minutes to cool off, even though I felt like he was really over reacting, and I tried to comfort him. I asked “are you okay?” he replied “no” but in a harsh tone. I was a little taken aback but I asked “is there anything I can do to help?” again I only got the reply of a harsh “no”. So I began walking away and said “please don’t take it out on me I’m only trying to help.”, which apparently pissed him off and he said “oh stop always playing the victim!” This really upset me and hurt my feelings so I went out to the couch to just leave him alone.

The next morning I leave for class without saying goodbye and I get a text soon after asking why I left without saying goodbye. I told him “because my feelings are hurt and I’m not really sure how to talk to you right now.” he then asked why and I told him. He got mad and started calling me a victim again. I eventually stopped replying because it was distracting me from class and only making me feel worse. He quickly sent a text apologizing and saying he could’ve handled things better. I didn’t reply for awhile and when I did I only said “okay well I was only trying to help you :/“ and let him know I had plans so I wouldn’t see him until later that night.

I expected to come home to have a discussion and I honestly expected him to apologize in person and check to make sure I was okay. But I could quickly tell that wasn’t going to happen so I went to sleep. I didn’t see him all day today and when he finally got home he was acting like nothing had happened... I brought it up and now he’s acting like he’s not responsible for hurting my feelings because “he didn’t mean to”. I don’t agree with that. If he hurt my feelings, even if he didn’t mean to, my hurt is still valid. He just doesn’t seem to be empathetic about this at all. This is also just such a small disagreement on top of a very large pile of things that he’s done that I feel like I’ve repressed.

My friends say I’m most likely being gaslighted, or at least he’s just being a bad boyfriend. I’m just confused as to what to feel. I love him, but I’m really feeling like I deserve to be treated better. I’m longing to be understood and for my feelings to be validated and valued. He’s cheated on me, not physically, but I’ve caught him on Grindr, 3 times in the span of the relationship. I feel like that’s unfair to hold against him because we’ve already discussed those instances and decided to continue trying to work on things. But admittedly, I’m still hurt from them and have trust issues now.

Things just seem hopeless and very toxic. I don’t want to lose him, but I’m starting to feel like I might be happier out of this relationship. I just don’t want to hurt him. I’d rather hurt myself before someone else. I’m especially worried about him moving out and I’m worried that breaking up with him will cause him to drop out of college, which he just started going back to, and I don’t want to make things that difficult and unfair for him. However, I just feel unhappy and I’m tired of being patient and hoping the next day will be better and we’ll have a breakthrough.

TL;DR: Long term relationship probably coming to an end for many factors and I need advice on if I should break up with him/how to go about breaking up.