Coming soon - Get a detailed view of why an account is flagged as spam!
view details

This post has been de-listed

It is no longer included in search results and normal feeds (front page, hot posts, subreddit posts, etc). It remains visible only via the author's post history.

1
How can I be more thoughtful and resolve arguments?
Post Flair (click to view more posts with a particular flair)
Post Body

My fiancee (22) and I (21) have been together for three years, and most of them I've been a less than ideal fiancee. I'm had issues with adultery which have led to serious trust issues with my fiancee and most of the issues right now revolve around my impulsive behavior.

Most of the time, I don't think before I act. I just go through life and have plenty of moments in a day when I look back and wish I spent an extra second to think before blurting things out or reacting poorly. Arguments are usually escalated by me getting frustrated and lashing out at her verbally or just shutting down and being unwilling to talk, and most conflicts are caused by me saying something in the wrong tone or being unable to take a second to cool down before I fly off the handles. I want to get better about minding my tone and thinking before I speak, and her advice is to just do it, but it is actually difficult for me.

Another issue that arises is that when we are fighting, there is no resolution. They don't end us believing a word I say since, as they put it "all you do is talk and you never make any changes". So, saying sorry does nothing but escalate the conflict between us and I'm at a loss for how to resolve anything when apologizing makes things worse. Their solution is always telling me that the only resolution is not doing it in the first place, which irritates me because I can't go back in time and undo what I did. I can't ask my fiancee for advice in how to resolve the argument either because their response is always "I don't know because I don't do these things because I'm a good person". It's a true statement because I've done terrible things to them, but it doesn't give me any help to resolve arguments, which leads to them going on for 3 or more hours before being resolved.

Any help or ideas would be greatly appreciated, since I'm at a total loss on how to make the changes needed to help my relationship.

tldr: I have a temper, say things in the wrong tone, and my word means nothing. Fiancee wants arguments resolved but my word means nothing. What are better ways to resolve the argument?

edit: I also failed to mention that one of the steps I took is getting back into therapy. I had been in therapy for 5 years before we met and stopped going until around 7 months ago but have been going consistently since.

Author
Account Strength
100%
Account Age
11 years
Verified Email
Yes
Verified Flair
No
Total Karma
3,479
Link Karma
2,852
Comment Karma
627
Profile updated: 3 days ago
Posts updated: 3 days ago

Subreddit

Post Details

We try to extract some basic information from the post title. This is not always successful or accurate, please use your best judgement and compare these values to the post title and body for confirmation.
Posted
7 years ago