Hi Reddit,

I was in a 7 year relationship with my fiancé (let’s call her Jane for security reasons) and I thought everything was going great. We bought a house and had it for 5 years, She lost a lot of weight through exercising together, we moved on to marriage (but never quite got there) and we also tried to have a child together. When she dropped the weight in preparations of the baby because she has PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome), she somehow got IGA disease which is an auto-immune disease where the Immune system attacks the kidneys as if it’s an outsider. It’s crazy, when we found out from her blood test her doctor said she was already Stage 4 which was close to dialysis border lining kidney transplant.

She had a massive crash of her filtration rate down to 9% (healthy is 100%) and she had to go on some serious medication for months on end to bring up her kidney efficiency. She got so low that we even had to prepare ourselves for dialysis and her specialist was telling her that she may not be able to have a baby due to the intense blood pressure to the kidneys.

When we got this news we were really scared and demoralised, but we helped each other out and managed to keep up with the doctors instructions and we worked our asses off to stay happy with each other. Miraculously, we managed about a year ago she got a filtration rate to 50% and stayed there for months on end, I kinda lost count she was so stable. We were so happy that we could think of starting to have a baby after the specialists approval. When we started to have a baby we didn’t succeed for a few cycles and got professional help. We tried 3 different Fertility groups, tens of thousands of dollars, countless months of trying.

During this time we hardly had sex because we were too demoralised by failures and bad news that our baby wasn’t coming to us. We only managed to get pregnant once with a miscarriage of 11 week check-up. We took this news really hard, because we got so excited that we told everyone we knew that all our hard work had paid off, we got presents of baby gear and we bought a few things and it made us happy.

After we took the grave news, we had a plan to take a break from it all and worked on our careers and our relationship and reward ourselves to an overseas trip to japan. Fast forward to April 24th this year, she came home and I had a bit of a talk but she seemed a bit off. I decided to ask what was wrong and she can be open to me since I thought we knew everything about each other, “I feel that I want to have sex, but not with you anymore.”

Well, lucky I had a few beers in my stomach to soften that blow, I took that as if she held this in for a while. I told her that maybe I can allow it just once so she can have her sex and maybe that’ll drive her back up, she still “loved” me and “cared” for me but she just admitted that she doesn’t have the spark anymore and wanted to end the relationship. The bedroom is dead and we just do our own thing around the house after the constant battle of health problems. She gave me a warning that she would be away for the weekend staying over a work colleague’s place to think it over.

When the weekend came, I was in such a downward spiral that I feared she was gonna come back and break up with me and give me the cold shoulder as if I was now in the past. I needed to call up my friends and family to help me how to handle such a big blow to the chest. I came around and listened to what I needed to hear and started to focus on myself, but somehow I had a small sub-conscious thought that she was somewhere getting her “crave.” I didn’t want to think that because it was clouding my other thoughts and I am a pretty emotional guy, also I didn’t want to have that distrust or disrespect of Jane where she could be legitimately really thinking it over.

She went from a few days and extended it another 2 more days because she’s really confused, when she finally came home she decided that she would be happy to be without me. She told me that, I don’t do enough in the relationship and never supported her during the IGA disease episode and also when we lost the baby, I do have to say that I don’t really like to show how vulnerable I am but this just shook me so hard. I asked her when did she stopped loving me and it was about 3 years into the relationship after she lost the weight, she was hoping trying for a baby was gonna bond us together but realised that would’ve made it worse.

She started to talk about what we needed to do next, neither of us could live elsewhere until we sell the house and split all the contents and also she wanted me to sleep in the spare bedroom and move all of my belonging that was in the Master bedroom that we shared together in this house. I couldn’t handle it, I didn’t know where all of this came from and I had to tell her that I just couldn’t do it. She said that she only did it to protect me because she wasn’t ready either, Jane is very fast decisive woman and likes to do things before she thinks too much about it where I’m quite the opposite.

We stayed in the same room after she broke up with me but I wasn’t able to kiss her, spoon her in bed and only got a hug goodbye before going to work. I took a week off work because I was under performing and I just needed to get my head straight. When I came back I moved all of my stuff in the spare room and started to live a single life under the same roof as my now ex.

The whole vibe between us has changed, she comes home very late and I’m getting all the stuff ready to sell the house so far. I still can’t get over that she could be sleeping with someone else if she is or not. There were a few remarks that she will have fun in the future but doesn’t know when and that just shakes me, the image I get of her knowing her for 7 years having sex with someone else. Ugh! At the end of the night we’re calling to go to bed and I tried to give off a sign for a hug, she didn’t noticed and asked her if she will be home for dinner so I can cook her a meal. She said “I don’t know, just feed yourself. We’re house mates now.”

I feel that she doesn’t respect me anymore and I’m nothing to her. This just happened tonight and I couldn’t get this out of my head, I think I still love her or don’t want to let go just yet but on the other hand I just want to get away. I got so caught up by it that I wanted to be vindictive about it but she is an “eye for an eye” kind of girl but does it back ten fold and my mind went haywire with those sexual images I never want to see. I couldn’t sleep and just got up and started writing this massive post, like holy shit I’ve never wrote so much in my life in one sitting before but my mind is psycho right now.

I seriously need advice on how to accept what has happened and how to respectfully detach from my fiancé, but sometimes I just want to go out and just fuck a prostitute and see if that helps. lol

Thank you for reading my fucked up life chapter guys, I really appreciate it! It’s 1:30AM on a Tuesday morning in Australia and I got work in 5 hours.

TL;DR I really need help detaching from my fiance after a hard hitting, out of the blue break-up. I don’t know if I still love her or I don’t want to leave the relationship I worked hard on.

Cheers, Rekthul.

EDIT: I know all of you reading this does seem like I am the victim, I could be but I was taught that a story has 3 sides: Your side, their side and the truth. I just wanted everyone to know that even though I was as truthful as I was it was still my side of the story. If Jane sees this, she could blow and say her story or even wrote the same shit in this subreddit. It's just a matter of finding it. lol