Hi everyone, looking for some pointers on my partners smoking habits.

Me (F, 28) and my partner (F, 27) have been together for 3.5 years. We love each other very much and they are wonderful in so many ways.

Long story short they had a life threatening respiratory illness in 2022, as well as already having severe asthma. For 6 months afterwards they were in and out of hospital unable to breathe and on a lot of medication, to which I was their full time carer. The next 18 months has been a bit better (they’ve made some health and lifestyle changes) so no hospital however they still suffer from severe cold and flu which requires me being their carer to ensure they stay alive. Care work is already exhausting but we don’t live together so it’s been a lot of last minute travel and rush as well.

Throughout this time they’ve been told by several medical professionals to stop smoking. They have reduced it a bit (2-3 a week instead of every day) and been vaping more than smoking. However they have not quit and I am fed up but also every time I think about it, it causes extreme anxiety. I’m also at the point where if they are sick again I would really struggle to be supportive and not “I told you so”. I am completely burnt out from their inability to take their health seriously. Any time we discuss this they get really upset and say they are really trying and it’s really hard and they also use smoking to manage their ocd/a history of self harm.

I do not know what to do. I love them a lot but I am at capacity of dealing with their health and smoking (and how much medication they are on which causes long term risks and effects). And their inability to see the severe effects it has on me. I do not want to break up over this and when I’ve said this before, they say I can’t give them an ultimatum and they can’t quit for me as they’ll resent me, they need to do it for themselves. However they have not yet. As we go into winter my anxiety is increasing as it’s flu season where they get more sick (and I do more care work). Any time we talk about this, I am anxious stressed and frustrated so very direct and hostile, they are avoidant or upset or tbh in denial of the severity of the situation.

TL,DR: partners smoking is ruining our relationship and their health. Don’t know what to do but don’t want to break up. Any suggestions are most welcome