Throwaway account since my family knows my main account

My (25F) parents (45M and 43F) split up in 2012 when I was 14. I have three siblings, let’s call them Cassie (21F), Timmy (15M), and Noah (14M) and since the split we’ve lived with our mom. My sister has her own place and I’m moving in with my grandparents even though I was living with my mom after I graduated in December.

So, the next year (2013) my dad began to see a woman who I’ll call Elle (35F). Elle has three daughters (18F, 16F and 14F) and he began to be father figure them and they even call him dad.

Elle has never tried to get to know me, my siblings, or my mom. She’s done nice things for me in the past, like taking me to get my nails done when I was 17 but the problem is she doesn’t speak. I still remember the day I first met her and I tried to have a conversation with her and she wouldn’t respond or my dad had to do the talking for her. She didn’t even introduce herself to me, my dad did. Her daughters were still little at the time and actually did introduce themselves to me. When I or she walked into a room I’d say hello to her and she’d say nothing. When she did take me to get my nails done she had brought her sister and talked to her but wouldn’t respond to me when I spoke to her. Anytime we’d go to their home to spend the night she’d be out at work and when she got home she’d ignore us and go in her room. We would invite her to family events, including events with my dads extended family (my mom is still close to them since she doesn’t have a good relationship with her mom) such as birthdays, graduations, and family gatherings and she’d behave the same way. Not speaking, introducing herself, or trying to engage with anyone. I’ve seen for myself my mom trying to talk to her and she brushes her off or ignore her. Other family members and friends have thought this was odd of her to do and came to me about it, but I’d always just tell people that’s just how she was. Let me add, my family and friends are very polite. We are from the south and “southern hospitality” is a real thing. So someone not introducing themselves or not speaking is considered very rude and will get people to talk about you.

One example of her rude behavior: my brother Timmy has a disability. He can’t talk, walk, and needs around the clock care. Last November, went to the hospital and Elle would stay up there with him until my mom got off work to come see him. When my mom would arrive Elle would leave, not saying anything to my mom. By the time my mom began to try and have check ins with the doctors and nurses, they would tell her they already shared this information with his mom. During this stay, Elle signed a consent form for Timmy to get an operation without checking in with my mom or dad. This ticked my mom off, she repealed the operation and my mom made it clear to the hospital staff that SHE was his mom and from going forward only give information to my dad and her. My dad found out, told Elle and she stopped going to see Timmy. Granted this was after the incident that I’ll explain later in the post but it’s still rude to put your personal feelings ahead of the safety of your “bonus kid.”

Me and my sister have tried talking to my dad about this but he’d always make excuses for her saying she has a hearing problem because of her diabetes. When I was 18 I decided that I was done trying to have a relationship with her. I was still going to be civil with her but I was done trying to have that “step mom/step daughter relationship” with her. I figured she wasn’t interested after so many attempts of us trying to get close. My mom has dated men in the past who’ve I’ve gotten along with. One boyfriend in particular was a father figure to me and we got along well. Teaching me how to drive, helping me with my SATs, asking about college, and buying school clothes or supplies for us. So no before anyone says it, I’m not upset about my parents no longer being together.

So let’s skip to 2021, I moved to college and my parents agreed to give my dad full time custody of my brothers so as of now, my brothers reside with Elle, my dad and her daughters. So, February of 2022. One night my sister tells me that my dad and Elle woke them up in the middle of the night angry and yelling at them because Elle went through Noah’s phone and told my dad that me, my mom, my sister and Noah have all been trash talking her. It caused a huge commotion and fight and my dad and Elle temporarily separated.

My dad never confronted me about it directly, but according to my sister he was blaming me for the reason they separated. Elle saying she doesn’t want to be with him because his kids don’t like her. For some reason, my dad was blaming me and my sister and Noah started blaming me as well and calling me names about it. I even had to go off on my sister for saying I should be ashamed because Elle was on the floor crying.

The next day Elle send me a message going off on me. I won’t say verbatim what was said but she said she guesses we don’t like her and she’s never done anything to us, that she doesn’t respond all the time because she has a hearing problem and did a sarcastic “I wish you all the best.” I responded by telling her that I have nothing to do with her and my dad’s issues and to leave me out of their issues. She sent a laughing emoji to that and blocked me on Facebook. She also send my mom a message saying that she doesn’t know what she did to her but they need to discuss things like grown adults but later responded saying never-mind and blocked my mom too.

Now if you’re wondering what the messages entailed, I promise you I never trashed talked her, at least if I saw someone saying these things about me they wouldn’t piss me off so badly. And, she wasn’t even the topic of most of our conversations. I’ve gone through these messages multiple times to see if I did anything I should own up too but I haven’t seen anything that could piss her off so much. My siblings did complain about her behavior of not speaking and ignoring them. My sister who was staying temporarily staying there was complaining about her and her girls not cleaning the house, bad personal hygiene, her having to constantly clean up after them, her having a bad attitude when my dad wasn’t around, and my sister having to clean up her poop diapers that their dog dug out the trash (I’m not sure why she wears diapers but it’s not my business). But no one insulted her or made fun of her, my siblings were venting frustrations and I and my mom were trying to reassure them that everything would be okay. However I will admit fault for calling her out for calling us her bonus kids in facebook but not really putting any effort into wanting to have a relationship with her. Noah got grounded and she took his phone away (she gave him the phone for Christmas btw)

Side note: I know it’s hard for step moms to get to know step kids without people judging or crossing boundaries. But my mom isn’t a bitter ex. When they first got together, she was happy that my dad had moved on and joked about us “having two moms.”

My dad and Elle got back together in March, that same month she took Noah’s phone again because she saw a text from him to my mom saying that he wants to live with her again and he was miserable with Elle and my dad.

My dad never confronted me about it directly. But when my birthday came around that September I asked if she and her girls were coming so I can get a head count of who was coming to my party. He said no because Elle knows that I don’t like her because of the GC messages and I really hurt her. I finally took this as a chance to explain my side of the story. That I don’t dislike her and that it was her fault in the first place for invading Noah’s privacy. That’s when he admitted that he never saw the messages for himself, but whatever Elle saw really hurt her feelings. He told me a few interesting things that Elle told him that we said. Including:

-Making fun of her disability (not sure what he meant by that)

-Calling her a “shy booty bh”

-Making fun of her lack of hygiene

-Saying we don’t like her

-Overall just hurting her feelings

I told my dad this was a flat out lie and even sent him screenshots dating back to when the chat began. He told me that the situation was done and that Elle wants nothing to do with me so I let it go. However, my extended family (his sisters mostly) brought her up once to me and tried to gaslight me about what happened and her behavior and actions justified her going through Noah’s phone. They even tried to blame me for her feelings towards me and said I don’t like her and I just didn’t want my dad to be with anyone. I sent them screenshots and they still gaslit me about the situation and said I was wrong. Let me add his family lives 5 hours away and haven’t interacted with her like I have so they don’t even know the full story.

Me and my dad got into a fight last month about the direction I’m going in life and Elle somehow got wrapped into it. My dad scolded me, saying that I really hurt her, repeating what he said previously, and that I was wrong for treating her the way I do because “she’s good for him.” I then revealed to my dad that Noah got ahold of her texting her daughters “This h** Cassie so weird taking her blanket outside. I can’t wait until she leaves the countdown begins now.” He yelled at me denying that she said that and I told him to ask Noah. He did and Noah showed him and he read it out loud and he didn’t even get mad. Instead trying to shift blame to Noah. The next day was my cousin’s graduation where he acted all nice to me (not even saying sorry) but once again I let it go. The day was about my cousin and not our nonsense.

Now I know this is a long story but it does matter. I’m moving to my grandparents house in a few weeks and I’m currently couch hopping until I leave. When I asked my dad if I could come before I left, he asked when because Elle doesn’t want to stay there if I’m there because she knows that I don’t like her. I told him once again that I have no issue with Elle and any problem she has she can come to me like an adult. He said that he doesn’t know what we said but it hurt her a lot and he can’t convince her otherwise about my feelings. He said that he’s very stressed and I told him so was I. I’m at his house now and Elle went to her sisters house while I’m here,

I decided that I was done with all the BS. I sat down and thought that maybe I really did hurt Elle and who was I to tell her how to feel? So, I messaged Elle on Facebook (she unblocked me) to bury the hatchet and apologized to her. I told her that first things first I have no issue with her and that I tried and gave up on trying to have a relationship with her. I went on to say that I’m not sure what she saw, but I was sorry for hurting her feelings regardless and she has every right to be hurt and upset with me. I explained that this rift is causing useless drama and I’m willing to move on for both of this and how much this who thing has hurt my mental and physical health. She responded that I’ve made it clear that I don’t like her and she’s fine with that and wished me the best. I responded that if she wants to stick with that narrative then fine but I’ve done all I could to heal both of our relationships with my dad. I also emphasized that I tried to have a relationship with her but she doesn’t speak so I thought she wasn’t interested so I stopped and asked where she saw that I don’t like her. She said “I’m not sticking with anything those are your words and you showed me in in person and in the messages [that I don’t like her] and I’ve tried with y’all too [have a relationship] but Ok my government name” I got fed up and send a thumbs up emoji and left it at that.

This is only a small part of the drama this has caused me and my family. My dad and I’s have gotten into multiple fights over her, more than I’ve mentioned and fights with my extended family (his family) and our relationship isn’t the same anymore. Even at his home when he gets off work he barely speaks to me or looks to me and goes in his room all day and since this has happened I’ve noticed his attitude towards me and even Noah has changed. He speaks to me in a harsh tone and seems annoyed with me. Earlier he left with Noah and her eldest daughter without saying anything so I called and asked him where they went and he went apeshit. Saying it’s not my business where he’s going and he doesn’t have to tell me (they went to the store). Noah also told me when they got home that my dad fussed at him for defending me and telling him that wasn’t necessary.

Me and my dad’s relationship has been rocky since he split with my mom but we had began to be close like we used to again until this whole drama with Elle happened and it’s really starting to get to me. In a way, I feel like my dad cares more about his relationship with Elle than he does with me and at this point even Noah. The things he’s said to me during our fights about her have given me the impression that he cares more about her, their relationship, and her feelings than mine. Anytime in the past I’ve gone to him about something she’s done or any concerns I have (I.e: the house not being as clean as it could be) he always jumps to her defense and turns it around on me.

I’m not saying that I have to be his top priority. At the end of the day, I’m an adult, almost 26, and knowing his personality he wouldn’t want me putting him before my partner. But also, I’m his eldest daughter and I always will be. He’s fighting with me about her and she’s not willing to let bygones be bygones so I know this nonsense won’t end anytime soon.

I do love my dad and I truly want him to be happy with me and Elle but it seems like that won’t happen as long as either of us are in his life. He wouldn’t even listen to my side of the story and always brushes me off about the whole thing and this isn’t even the first time he’s done something like this. I can’t recall my dad ever really standing up for me or taking my side when an issue has happened. It could be mean girls at school, boyfriends, pesky managers, this situation has me looking back for a time my dad has ever been on my side and I can’t recall one. I definitely don’t want to cut my dad off. I love him and have so many exciting things planned for this year and next and I want my dad to be there for all of it but it’s hard for me to want him there when he’s letting girlfriend come between us like this. My hands are tied up and I don’t know where to go from him or how I should further handle this situation.

TL;DR my dad and I are in a complicated place because of his girlfriend and I’ve done all I can do to mend things. What should I do now?