I've been spending a lot of time around my ex-husband recently, and it's been throwing me for a bit of a loop. We're only separated, I suppose, but we both agreed that we'd probably file for divorce as soon as we can.

We met last year, and wound up getting married after about 3 months of knowing each other. It started with us meeting and doing shrooms together, and then discovering we have really good chemistry. It went on to me accidentally living with him and his girlfriend (both of which were polyamorous at the time) after I got kicked out of my parents house, and getting married a month after that. It lead to a series of terrible decisions that wound up derailing my life, my career and my finances. It wound up ending with us living in my car together after August, until in October a friend (who is no longer a good friend) offered to let me stay with him. We don't live together anymore, and he lives with family.

I don't miss the running in the night to catch him or me, or the alcohol or his other vices. But I do have a lot of warmth for the small memories scattered across that summer. I had never bonded with anyone like I bonded with him, and still to this day very much haven't. However, our relationship was insanity sometimes. 

To be honest, he is a mixed bag when it comes to him as a person. He's done some pretty bad things to me, things that should make me want to drop him right then and there, but I find myself really drawn to him still. My heart doesn't ache for him, but it feels like he soothes me a little. Our friendship feels really nice. I haven't even processed the divorce papers at all yet, as I'm working on rebuilding my life a little bit. We spent a few weeks not talking to each other, but after we started sending music back and forth we just started talking more.

These days, we just go out for food, hang out for a long while, and then have sex (at 2 am). We make really really good conversation, and I find myself appreciating the things he gives and tells me. He taught me about something the other day that totally changed my approach to my personal development. I've been pushing him to do things to improve his life, and he's putting in a really good effort. It's really nice to see. We're also weirdly connecting through sex way harder than we did though most of our married time. I feel like I get lost in him most times, but we always come back to earth with a nice landing. It's confusing.

​

I called a friend of mine the other day when I was out with him, and he freaked out. He told me that I needed to leave right then and go to a safe place, and it took a 25 minute conversation for him to back down and realize that I was actually in a very good place with him. Most of my friends when I mention him bring up that they don't think he's a good person, and that I probably shouldn't hang out with him. I mention that he makes me happy, and they say that I should find someone else. I haven't even told my dad because I know the face he'll make when I say I'm talking to my husband again. I don't know what to make of their reactions.

I've brought up the current state of our relationship to my (ex) ? husband, and he basically said that this is what we should've done from the beginning. I agreed that our casual relationship right now feels really good because we aren't taking it nearly as seriously as we were when we were a married couple.

We're tentatively thinking about moving into a 3 bedroom with him and his ex girlfriend (who is now also a friend of mine). No, this isn't a sitcom, lol. While we all know the collective dangers of the 3 of us living together, we also know the ways that we all work, so we know how to accommodate and work around and with the two around us. We're also all looking to move, and are working to move in the next few months, so we figured we'd team up and see if we could get a 3 bedroom place north of the city. I think that it's a little worrisome as the two of them did not tidy as often as I liked, but it wasn't my place, so I didn't say it much previously.

I still send him song lyrics every day, like I'm a fucking teenager. I drive about 42 miles to visit him these days, and that's just in one direction. I put in a good amount of work to see him, and he comes down to visit me when he has the money to. We're both broke, so we make it work when we can, and FaceTime all the times when we can't.

It feels like I'm crazy to me, but I think that having him in my life, even just as my best friend feels right. I want to make sure I'm not walking into a giant red brick wall. What is the prospective liklihood that he will never change? Is it worth expecting the worst when we are so close and responsive to each other? Are there issues I'm not forseeing with moving in with him and his ex, given that we will all have our own dedicated spaces this time? People are so precious, and I don't always find gems that I really like, so I'd like to keep him if I can. I'm honestly just wondering if I should turn my brain off and keep loving him. Could my friends' reactions be warranted, despite me feeling safe with my ex-husband?

​

TLDR: My ex and I have gotten really close after we broke up, we have a constant line of communication, and seem to be still very invested in each other. Are we stupid, or isn't the thing we have something worth keeping? Are people around me unreasonable for thinking that because he hurt me he should be cast out? Even if relationships are weirdly drawn, can't they work? Not that anyone can answer the last question but me, but I would like a little input and perspective, as I constantly feel like I'm flying blind.