UPDATE: It's been brought to my attention that this has been posted on IG and TikTok and it's trending today? I suppose that means it's time to post an update. TLDR: split with her and now living on my own.

So, it didn't improve. She even stopped using the dishwasher so that she wouldn't happen to clean any of my dishes - washed all of hers by hand and left me to the dishwasher. Anyway, after I posted the thread there was another incident. I was sitting on the couch and she was laying on the floor with her phone - I wasn't really trying to snoop but she was very blatantly chatting with someone in Instagram's vanish mode, in plain view, just smiling and laughing at her phone. Later on I asked her who she'd been chatting with in private chat and she accused me of reading her phone - I said no, but you were kind of doing it in plain view while we were sitting there - I didn't read it but could tell what you were doing. She said she was reaching out to an old boyfriend - who is now out as gay and happily engaged (hence no romantic intent... so why vanish mode when I've never gone through her phone once...) - to apologize to him for how she dumped him and plan a dinner to catch up.

O.. kay...

A couple days later, I noticed she had removed me from her Instagram followers. Her IG is private. I could no longer view her page or contact her there. I got home from work that day and she wasn't home (and had no plans I knew of) so I tried calling. No answer. I texted. Left on read. Called again. She turned off her phone. At this point I'm wondering if she's decided to break up with me and beat me to the punch. I called her from GVoice. Called her on Facetime. Sent a few more texts. No answer for hours. At 9 PM I get a two word text: "heading home." She gets home and I ask her what was going on. She said she went out to dinner with a coworker and didn't want to be bothered and hadn't appreciated me blowing up her phone. It checked out to be true. I told her I don't care if she hangs out with people, but the cold shoulder along with the IG deletion sort of made her disappearance alarming.

She couldn't understand why I was upset and said that IG is not a big deal and that she never looks at what I post so she just unfollowed me. First of all - not true. She was still following me; she had specifically kicked me out of her followers. Second, she's on Instagram all day long - I don't buy that it's not a big deal to her, or that she removed me by accident when she'd meant to unfollow me. I also told her that it's pretty baffling to tell your partner that you have no interest in what they're doing. Anyway, she couldn't admit to understanding what I was upset about, but we wound up having a nice long talk.

Let me take you back to the incident mentioned in my novel where I came home from work one night and caught her on the phone with her parents discussing an attempted plan to go spend Memorial day in Montana, without me, with Miles' family (Miles being her ex fiance who had passed away three years ago). I left and spent the night elsewhere (a Walmart parking lot in my car) that night.

Anyway, I tried to have a discussion with her after the IG incident and she told me that I broke her trust by leaving that night. We wound up having a long discussion, but she was irritated the entire time. Couldn't understand why the IG incident was significant, and couldn't understand how I could have been upset about her plans to visit Miles' family on Memorial Day without me. She told me that it was messed up that I left the apartment. I told her that the things that made me feel I needed to do that were pretty messed up. She didn't have much else to say. We talked a bit about the past and she suggested I get a therapist. I've done therapy in the past and highly recommend it to people - but I told her that no, your girlfriend wishing you were someone else and treating you with contempt is a plenty valid reason to be upset and depressed -- I'm not broken.

The next day I got home from work and she was out seeing a show. She got home, I greeted her, attempted to initiate a conversation -- and she just wasn't having it. She was cranky, wouldn't give me the time of day, and said she was tired and just wanted to go to bed. She would not engage me in any conversation and I'd just had enough. Since she wasn't letting me talk to her, I sat down and wrote a letter, left it on the counter where she'd find it, and drove to work (it was night... so I spent the night in my work's parking lot).

The letter:
Part 1 https://i.imgur.com/IxbwzuF.jpg
Part 2 https://i.imgur.com/m9Itsaz.jpg

In the morning she texted me verbatim: "Got your letter. Sorry you feel that way. Thanks for the update"

I reiterated that I would be spending less time at home but still buy my share of household supplies and work with her to make things as easy on Travis (remember her 9m kid?) as possible. And I did - I worked late, went home seldom, and just focused on myself. The apartment was more than an hour commute from work, and even though it wasn't hostile anymore at home, eventually it was both too awkward to be spending time there, and not worth the drive. I spent part of April and the entire month of May just living in my car, sleeping in the forest or someplace close to work, and joined a gym for shower access. I only drove home on a select few days that I knew Travis would be with his dad for certain, to do laundry, take care of things, and shower. I didn't even sleep there again except for once. One of the times I was back, Kendra just casually starts talking to me about a reality show she was watching. Like... why would you think I care about this?

After the breakup she also went on Bumble immediately "looking for a husband", and at some point had one of those laser etch crystals made of a picture of her deceased ex kissing her (I saw it sitting out on her computer desk while packing) -- but that's none of my business. All in all I lived out of my car for about six weeks, and my car is a Prius C, which is not a big vehicle. It puts into perspective just how little we really need. I've almost since gone on a minimalist kick. I spent some time looking for jobs all over the country, seeing it as a potential opportunity to leave the state and go almost anywhere. I'm very skilled in Excel and have a bunch of experience in QMS and asset management, so why not? Alas, nothing caught my fancy and the search was halfhearted since I was sort of focused on survival. I got myself a camp stove and did several "urban cookouts" - and I have a Ronco ReadyGrill at work that I can cook in.

Eventually I decided it wasn't going to be good for my mental health to live in my car until October, even though I didn't think I could afford two leases at once, so I took out a $7,000 loan to get me over the hump and smooth things over. It's a three year loan but I'll try to pay it back in one. I booked an apartment and moved in starting June 3rd, and I'm about halfway done unpacking/organizing - I've just been working all the overtime I can manage to get right now and likely will for a few months longer. We truly lived together for fewer than three months - what a disaster! But I'm not letting myself regret all the stuff I downsized prior to moving in with her - it's just a fresh start is all. I told her to keep the couch we had bought together. I offered to buy her a bedframe and a TV - saying that she got rid of hers to make way for mine, and I would consider it fair. But she declined. Everything else was very clear-cut to split.

I rented a u-haul, loaded up my stuff - got a flat tire in my Prius in the middle of moving, got screwed over by Firestone (I always go to the dealership but it was sort of an emergency with the timing so I went to Firestone... and of course they screwed up my ignition battery which just so happened to die while they had it??) and cost me several hours and hundreds of dollars I didn't have... never go to Firestone, people... anyway, I'm now happily living on my own, even if I'm not quite where I'd hoped to be just now. When I was younger I used to be really into collecting (but not playing... lol) video games, and I've let most of that stuff go, but the last jewel in my collection - I have a Wii U, tons of accessories and accoutrements, and literally US-released game. I've decided to sell that off, and if I find a collector who wants to give me fair value, it'll knock out the larger chunk of the loan I had to take.

So for anyone out there who's stuck... take care of yourself and know that life gets better! Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

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Original post below:

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TLDR up front: Met GF (44f) on eharmony in June, and I (39m) feel deceived; once I moved in she changed -- and what she offered me, she doesn't have to give. 8 months left on lease. We just went on a vegas trip to try to improve the relationship but it was awful. Decided I will end things, but lease... and want to be considerate with timing re: her kid (9m). What do?

_

Obligatory, I'm sure I'm not perfect - so feedback on how I could better approach things is welcome, but I'm leaning toward figuring out how to end this relationship while trapped in a lease.

Background: I was married from 2005-2016 (no kids) and it wasn't awful or anything, we never fought; there just wasn't anything there- it was like having a roommate. I moved across halfway across the US to start over after the divorce. I've had a couple relationships since; including one that seemed wholesome and promising but fell apart suddenly in April of last year. I spent a couple months healing, and in the meantime finished paying off the last of my debt - between the divorce, my dad's funeral, moving expenses, my car, and a private student loan. I have some federal student loans left (guess the country) but I was otherwise in a healthy spot.

So I wanted to find a serious relationship to go forward with, and sprung for an eHarmony account. All names are pseudonyms. That's where I met Kendra (44) last June. She has a son, Travis (9), and I was more than okay with that. I get along with the kid okay. Now, I'm a "love language = touch" person. That doesn't mean I need frequent sex, but I do need things like hugs, snuggles, cuddling up on the couch or in bed, random dances and kisses, holding hands, affectionate touches... you get the idea. I made it overtly clear in my profile to the point that they opted to review it before approving it.

Anyway, we had a few chats on eHarmony back in June, then a video chat, then decided to meet up for a date. Of course, needing touch doesn't mean it's a first or second date kind of thing- that's for after a relationship is developing. So we sat and chatted and we had several of the same goals, including the possibility of adding a child. Which, for our ages (especially hers), there's not much time to waste. We were dating with the intention of not wasting time. We had a few more dates and would see each other every Thursday and most weekends, plus a little bit of chat over text. Things seemed to be progressing well. We went to the beach, to the movies, to some broadway shows, out to dinner, held hands, cuddled up a bit, had our first kiss before the end of June.

I did notice one thing though. She told me about three of her exes. Two of which she was clearly over (including Brian, Travis' dad). But one of them, Miles, she seemed overly fond of in her descriptions. I asked her - you still seem really fond of this guy, are you sure you're ready to be dating? She wound up telling me that they hadn't broken up, but rather, he died tragically two years prior (now over two and a half years ago). So I understood, it was different. They had all kinds of plans and from her telling, it had been a good relationship. I was glad she had the experience and sorry for her loss. Then she told me about how she lost the chance for a husband, and a chance for her son to have a stepdad, etc. Those are the things she really wanted.

As the months went on, the relationship seemed to be going well. I met a bunch of Kendra's family in August, and she did start asking me when I was going to be able to move in. She shared a one bedroom apartment with her son Travis and was of the mindset that all of us living in a 1BR would be just temporary, and that we'd soon transition to a 2BR. Her parents, and Travis' dad Brian, both had very reasonable concerns about me moving into a 1BR with both of them. I told her that I wasn't going to start planning a move-in at least until I meet and get along with Travis. So we arranged a couple meetups and she started leaning pressure on me to move in.

But, I was okay with that, especially given that her apartment complex had made an accommodation to let us transfer into a 2BR unit without considering it a broken lease. I was on board with fast-tracking a relationship, after all. So I put notice in to my previous apartment and signed lease paperwork with her to target a December move-in. I would first help her move her stuff, since it was within the same apartment complex, and then move my stuff from a town 40 minutes away. One of the first massive red flags came up before I moved in, but after I had already signed onto the lease - considering her age, she got the idea that we should try IVF, and asked me, "How much room do you have on your credit cards?" So I kind of told her - that I would be supportive of her going on progesterone but that wasn't an appropriate question and IVF was not in my budget at this time.

Once I got signed onto the lease, things started changing though. She was talking about Miles constantly. One night when we were together I told her that I loved her - and she couldn't say it back. Okay, you can't force that. But when we went to spend Thanksgiving with her family, she talked about Miles with people the entire time. It's worth mentioning that over the summer, Kendra witnessed in a court trial related to the circumstances of Miles' death, and Thanksgiving was the first time since then that she had a chance to catch up with a lot of people about the goings on. So in a way I understood. But I also felt invisible. And then she did the same thing at Christmas. She talked about him the entire time. One of her relatives said "I heard you're in love!" And she replied, "Not quite there yet." It's one thing to need time to get there -- but to spend the entire time talking about Miles and then say "by the way, this is my boyfriend, don't love him yet, he's moving in tho... now let's talk about Miles more..." - how does that make me look to her family?

By the end of December I had finished moving in, and other things had changed too. She stopped wanting me to touch her, or hug her, or sit next to her on the couch, or hold her hand. She's just not into touch. Which is fine - but then she shouldn't go after someone who made it very clear that he is? It's also hard to talk to her sometimes because her text responses are very staccato - I'm a texter; she's an in-person talker. That's fine. But in-person she's always got her earbuds in or otherwise buried in entertainment media. She's constantly engrossed in it and there's no room to get close to her. The only times she was talking to me, she started talking about Miles. Every little thing we did together had a Miles story to it. She also had a shrine to him in the dining room (which she was using as a home office) - a stand with his work helmet, and multiple mementos and pictures of him. I was fine with this at first - she's allowed to have mementos - but as she just remained hyperfocused on him, it started bothering me.

She also stopped sleeping in the same room as me. Every night she gets out of bed and goes to sleep on the couch. I'm not even a loud snorer or anything. But she said she's a light sleeper. She doesn't cuddle me in bed or touch me otherwise. She just curls over, then eventually gets out of bed and goes to sleep on the couch. She has told me that she wants to get engaged on the beach - but I later found out that was her plan with Miles, and she wanted to recreate it.

I couldn't get through to her in person - I couldn't talk to her for more than a few seconds before she wanted to go back to instagram or reality tv or whatever she was doing - so I wrote her an e-mail. I said "I appreciate Miles, I like Miles, but I need you to tone down talking about him so much - it's been constant" and I also explained how I felt about the Christmas incident, and told her that I had a need for physical touch. I ended it with "I'm not going to watch my life go by while you're wishing I was Miles." She told me that she would tone it down and spend more time cuddling with me, and bought me a case of Perrier (which I do like, but lol) to say sorry.

Except it only lasted a couple days. She was right back to talking about Miles regularly, and nothing had changed about sleeping habits. I decided to see if I could be happy trying to get used to it. But just a couple weeks ago - I got home from work, and she was on the phone with her parents. And I overheard her saying that she was bummed out that she had tried to make plans to go visit Roscoe for Memorial Day weekend but he declined her. Roscoe is Miles' dad. Miles who died nearly three years ago. Apparently Roscoe told her something like "Look, we're grateful for you loving our son, but we're trying to move on. If we're ever out your way, maybe we'll get in touch."

She was going to plan to go spend a holiday weekend with Miles' family without even talking to me about it first. I wanted to confront her, but Travis was home, and she was still on the phone with her parents. So I asked Travis if he needed anything, he said he was good, so I told him I had to do something and would be back later... and I left. I later texted Kendra, "I headed out and I'm not sure if I can come home tonight. You were going to plan going away for the holiday weekend with Miles' family without even talking to me about it first. I think I need a little bit of space tonight - I have some thinking to do."

She texted me back that she already knew Roscoe would say no, and only made the call because Travis had asked about if they could visit Haley (9, who would have been his stepsister had Kendra and Miles married). I'm not sure I believe that. We had some back and forth via text. I said, you're still hung up on Miles, you have a shrine to him in the dining room but no pictures of us together - you told me you were closing the chapter and ready for a new relationship but I don't feel like that's true; you're rarely affectionate, you're not letting me be a partner to you, your profile said "feed me" but you won't let me cook for you or eat anything I make, and you should have talked to me before trying to make holiday plans with Miles' family."

She tried to call and I said I don't want a phone call right now, and would like some space for the night. (I slept in my car near work). She said that she would take down his hat, and I could cook dinner on Saturday. The next morning after I had calmed down, I told her that I understand it's different with Miles because he died, and that she doesn't need to take the hat down, is allowed to have mementos, but it would help me if she'd have a picture of us as well. I also said it was fine if Miles came up once in a while but to please talk to me before making plans regarding visiting his family. Saturday came, I was literally at the store buying groceries to cook dinner - and she texted me for McDonald's. She wanted that instead. I decided to set the frustration aside because Travis was sick at the time, so I let it go.

But Kendra is in considerable debt. Which I was okay with, because she explained how it came to be (mostly family court stuff) and also claimed to be working on it. But she is not financially responsible at all, often ordering out twice a day, and always looking for the next show she wants to go see. She also lets Travis play with his iPad with basically unlimited screentime (he's hard to deal with if he can't have it) and will often cave and buy him vbucks or robux or whatever so he can get skins. She's like a money sieve and I'm starting to feel extremely concerned about getting tied to her. Cooking for the family should be something I do on a frequent basis, not something she "lets me do" once or twice a month. I have cooked several things that she wouldn't eat or try -

But her own eharmony profile said the way to keep her happy was "spend time with me and feed me." She doesn't really let me spend much time with her - and I'm realizing that "feed me" means takeout. A few weeks ago I made a giant batch of homemade wedding soup, hoping that she could enjoy it and have leftovers for a while. She tried a little bit, said it was good, then gave the rest away. For the superbowl she wanted to order out mexican chicken tacos, refried beans, and rice. Now, I'm the whitest dude you'll ever see, but I put my foot down and said - I will cook that. I went and bought long grain rice, pinto beans, masa de harina, tomato bouillon, all kinds of herbs, etc-- and I made some homemade corn tortillas, refried beans, rice, chicken tacos, etc. Probably enough to feed an army. She didn't even say whether it was good - she just had one taco, then packed up the leftovers to give away at work. I asked her if she didn't want any leftovers, and she said no, she hadn't been feeling well and didn't want much solid food. The next day she ordered pizza.

A few weekends ago we were supposed to go to Vegas, both to meet one of her friends, and to try to spend quality time and work on things. She wound up not feeling well (she actually got covid) and it was too late notice to get a refund on the hotel room. Covid is nobody's fault, but I told her I would reschedule if I could get a refund, but otherwise I can't afford a re-booking just now. Once I confirmed with her that the refund had been denied (it really was a last minute cancellation so I'm not surprised or mad) - she went ahead and booked a room on her credit card. She's already like 40k in debt. I tried to tell her that I didn't feel financially responsible to go right now, but she just told me about how it's important to her to have things to look forward to. So I countered that -- yes, me too, it was hard work getting out of my debt, and I want to try to look forward to buying a house, retiring, things like that. We can have outings but we should budget and plan for them. She wasn't having it - she wanted the Vegas trip ~now~.

She is still... seldom affectionate with me, and a week or so ago tried to have a talk with me about how she was reading in the new york times about couples that slept in separate rooms but still had healthy relationships. Okay, good for them - but that isn't what I want, or what I signed up for. She had previously told me what a big deal Valentine's Day was to her, so I made gift baskets up for both her and Travis, and left them on the table before I left for work Valentine's morning. She texted me "thanks," and barely talked to me after I got home from work. They didn't get me anything. And I don't need holiday gifts... but she had told me how special the day was to her. I don't get it.

We both enjoy musicals - but I just enjoy them. She lives and breathes them. Can tell you the life story of all the actors. Calls certain broadway actors "my boyfriend." Anytime we have a conversation it's just her talking about pop culture gossip. I'm into hiking and board games, which she isn't - and that's fine, she can do her Entertainment Weekly stuff while I go on hikes - it's healthy to have some same, and some separate hobbies. But celeb gossip is just about the only thing she seems to be able to have a conversation about.

Basically, I feel like it's not a satisfying relationship, and what more, she deceived me a bit to pull me in, and now she's "got me." She wants a token husband and stepdad and financial contributor. Or she wants to sit there wishing I was Miles, I don't know. She did take down his hat and put a picture of me up on the fridge, though she still has the picture of him kissing her, at her home work desk. Ever since that incident two weeks ago, she's talked about him significantly less - but I can see it that she's still grieving it. And she's not really receptive to being physically affectionate. Now that we're living together, a typical night is getting home from work, her stressing over Travis until bedtime, and then her going to bed directly after. If I come to bed too, she'll get up and go to the couch eventually. But it's often at like 8 - 8:30pm. I don't usually want to go to bed that early. (And I wake up before she does...) I'd love it if she would just spend a little time with me, after Travis gets to bed.

I always offer to help with him, but she doesn't let me. She finally did when she was sick for a couple days. One day she asked me to pack his school lunch. I was almost horrified what she asked me to put in it: a baggie of goldfish, a baggie of saltines, a baggie of cheerios, a baggie of "veggie straws" (crisps with veggie flavor), half an orange, and a juice box. He's also allowed to eat candy all the time... and it's just not my place to say anything, but it also has me terrified that should we have a child together, the child would be allowed to subsist like this.

It just seems all around not right for me - she changed quite a bit after I got on the lease, and now there are still 8 months left. We went on that Vegas trip this weekend and just got home. The entire five hour car ride each way, she just listened to podcasts with earbuds in. Saturday morning she got a shower, and then while I was getting ready, she said “I’m going down to the casino” and went out the door. I texted her "Hey I was going to come down with ya... I'll be ready in a couple minutes; let me know what part of the casino you're in." She left it on read. I finished getting ready and went down and found her and we hung out at a slot machine. When she was done she abruptly went back to the room and didn't want to do anything else for the three hours until lunchtime, so she just scrolled her phone and told me a bunch of pop culture stuff. While sitting there, she asked me why I didn’t want to play legos with her kid the other day. I was sort of destressing myself (and had helped him build legos a few days before that). I resisted the urge to say “because you’re not giving me anything in this relationship and I’m emotionally checking out?”

Saturday we went to lunch with one of her friends from out of town who met us there. Lunch was nice enough - I got along with her friend actually. The second I got up for the restroom, she started talking about Miles again. They wrapped it up when I got back. Then we went to two museums - at both of them, she kept on leaving me behind, walking off into other rooms and I having no idea where she'd gone. It was difficult to enjoy the exhibits because it was stressful just trying to keep track of where she'd gone. At the second museum, it was the type where you had to buy tickets for entry at a specific time. Right before that time, she got in line for something else in the building and missed the entry time with me. I tried to wait it out next to her but I told her - it was time for entry at the museum, I need to go get in that line. And they ushered me inside. Luckily they let her in a few minutes late and she did get in, but that was stressful.

When we got back to our room, we got ready for bed and then she asked me if I felt like being frisky. She hasn't even hugged me or been receptive to hand-holding in who knows how long... I declined. I said we could cuddle, so she cuddled up to me and I told her "I think I need more of this kind of connection before wanting more intimate things." She said "oh, okay." a few minutes later she said she was going to sleep and rolled over to her side of the bed. At this point I feel like she's trying to baby trap me and I will be declining to be intimate with her from now on. Sunday morning we went to a brunch buffet and then she wanted to get on the road, so we drove home directly after.

I don't know what to do. Do I have a talk with her and say it isn't working and we need to figure out how to coexist as roommates until the lease is up? Do I take out a loan and just move out and pay my half of the lease to the leasing office? I've decided that the trip was a bust and I need to end the relationship, but I have to figure that out logistically. I also want to take my time and not be rash - I want to remain kind, and figure out the best time to talk to her and tell her. There's never a good time for these things but I want to be considerate of the timing and issues related to her kid. But this is clearly not going to work for me.