So I reconnected with someone from my past. I ended up in a situation and needed a place to feel safe and he gave me that place. I moved in and have been here about a month or so but we dated for however long when I was younger and it didn’t end in a horrible way so I actually never had any ill will toward him. Therefore being with him day in and day out I fell back in love with him, but he shows no affection. I do everything that a girlfriend would do. We both say we aren’t ready for a relationship bc of the drama and I have a lot of issues I need to fix to love me again. So like it’s been super hard feeling alone with someone next to me. We sleep together, he helps me with gas money and stuff if I need it. Just everything a boyfriend would do without the title and affection. He says he cares for me and I believe he does (I think). He will tell me just let things happen but what does that mean? He says if he wanted me to go he would tell me. But why can’t he say he wants me to stay? It’s like someone putting chocolate cake in front you and you know how great it tastes, but you can only have one bite but maybe you’ll get to eat the rest some other time. Do you wait to eat the rest because it was the best cake you ever had or do you let it go stale ignore the slice and know that someone else has cake somewhere and you won’t starve.

Like that was a terrible metaphor but I just don’t understand. He says he never saw his parents be affectionate so he doesn’t know how to be and it’s always been an issues in his past relationships, so then why not fix it? Why do I have to sit and feel alone wishing to be kissed and touched or hold my hand or put your hand on my leg in the car? He says “so you just walk away instead of teaching me” but since I’ve been here, I have kissed him the first night and he kissed me once when he basically attacked me for sex bc it had been so long since we had sex (we had his kids for a few days straight and hadn’t had a chance to have sex for a while due to that) so he kissed me when we were finally able to. But that’s the only kisses he enjoyed from me. I kissed him one other time and he later told me it was weird and so I’m terrified to even try again. But I need affection in a serious way, why can’t I just be happy with what I have? Why can’t he just kiss me? Does he just want me around til something better comes along? Should I just give up? I just don’t think it’s fair that he doesn’t say he wants me to stay and I try to make him feel things no one gave him and I have to long. I know we aren’t together but do I hang on to this and hope or do I just say I can’t do this no don’t want to say bye to him but I can’t just hold on to hope for someone who won’t try to give me anything right? He makes me feel so good when he does but everything else I’m just kind of there and feel invisible.

I don’t know what my question is, maybe I just needed to vent. I just want someone to love me the way I love them. I just want to stop longing for love. I just want him to touch me first or tell me he doesn’t want me to go or just even kiss my forehead. He wished to kiss my cheek bye when he went to work but now it’s like I’m just there. I want to feel his heart through his touch bc I have felt it before and I know it’s there. What’s wrong with me??!

Sorry for the long post but thanks to anyone who reads or responds.