Apologies in advance for the long post. I appreciate any thoughts or advice from anyone who does readthis.

So I came across RA when I fell in love with someone who is poly and has one other partner, and I began questioning monogamy and researching. We are together now and the other partner is on board for the most part.

The thing is, while I truly resonate with the principles of RA, its really hard in reality and I'm not sure how "poly" I truly am. Essentially, I knew that they had issues with their other partner.. deeper reoccurring issues to the point their friends have been wanting them to break up. The other person is abroad for a year so it's been really easy to ignore them in the picture completely, plus adding to the fact that it felt like they might not work out anyways. I wonder if I only felt more secure and not jealous BECAUSE of those reasons.

Now their other partner is coming here for a month during winter, and im feeling extremely sad. Besides the fact that this person causes a lot of drama and stress and im really tired of that, I know they'll take up a lot of my partners time. My partner already makes sure to regularly meet with a handful of close friends so they already are stretched on commitments. But this other partner isn't just a friend---they'll want to spend nights together. They're spending Christmas day together which makes me really sad. They'll want to go on long full day dates and I just don't want to feel like I need to fight for my partners time and attention with someone else.

We've only been together for a few months too so, while im very reassyred we both love and feel strongly for each other, I still don't have the security or trust that only comes with a longer time together. We also haven't had sex yet (both on the slow side and I have a lot of fears I need to work through) but I know they and their other partner have.....it just makes me even more scared to explore getting intimate and thinking they're having it with someone else.

The future also worries me. They mentioned they had plans to move in together with this other partner when they're done with the year abroad next summer.....so it's like if they don't break up , this other person will definitely be in the picture. I can't imagine just being on the side while they live with someone else...I wouldn't be able to be ok like that.

I'm just not sure anymore. I don't like their other partner as a person because they keep causing drama, saying toxic and hurtful things and being manipulative to my partner. I don't get why they are still together if I'm honest....my whole thing with RA was I'm happy if my partner is happy with someone else, but they're very up and down. Though if I'm honest, I feel a bit more secure in us because they and the other person aren't doing well...which isn't a very RA thing at all.

I mainly just feel sad at the thought of not having time with them And I don't want to have to fight for a chance for time with someone I'm dating like that. Asking to see them and hearing "sorry I'm doing xyz with other partner this day" all the time. It's too much.

Any thoughts or advice? I'm very new to RA/ENM and this is my first relationship with it. I'm worried I'm not actually built for it in practice ,but maybe there's things I can do or work on to make it work.