Just wanna start this off by saying it is always a tough time when the sex disappears from a relationship. I took it personally at first which just made things worse. After reevaluating and reading a bunch of anecdotes and articles, I realized that I need to be more proactive in helping my partner with his issues.

J was sexually abused by a cousin a few years older than him when he was 6. Due to financial barriers and what I can only describe as maybe hesitancy or fear, he is not currently in therapy like I am. We have different insurances, mine is through the state , his is from his job and ngl his insurance is shit. Even with their help, therapy sessions were costing $100/hr and after a few weeks of this we both realized it was something our family could not afford. I continue with therapy as it does not cost us anything out of pocket. It feels very unfair to me because I KNOW he needs therapy and I've repeatedly asked him to try looking for another provider, even suggesting nonprofit places for people who have experienced DV that I went to for 3 years. It's been months now and he hasn't sent any emails or made any calls that I'm aware of. Whenever I do bring it up (I try not to nag) he always admits it would be a good idea and says he will do it later then I guess just forgets about it?

I know that this avoidance to discuss or confront his childhood sexual abuse is likely a result of being traumatized. I also experienced childhood sex abuse and didn't really face it in therapy until I was a WRECK. This was before J and I met. I was having dozens of panic attacks every day, I still struggle with suicidal ideation. But overall I am healing slowly the best I can (also have trauma from an abusive relationship and adulthood SA).

So that is factor number one.

Additionally, since we've been together, J has become sober! 💜 He struggled heavily with alcoholism (probably due to the SA in childhood and physical abuse he endured from his step dad growing up. Was also neglected by his dad who is a decent dude but was way too young to know how to be a good parent when he had him). After his grandma who raised him died, his drinking got objectively worse by his own admission. To the point where his liver started to shut down, he turned yellow, and was hospitalized for days being told he might need a transplant. He never got one and eventually recovered as his liver enzymes are normal now. This instance happened before we met as well. When we did meet, he was still drinking a bit and this has lead to him blacking out and becoming aggressive verbally and even physically. When he came to, he felt immense shame and guilt for his actions. So much so that it helped him quit drinking cold turkey. I am immensely proud of him for his sobriety and have even stopped drinking as well to be a better support system (altho ngl sometimes I have a beer if I go out without him). However, after he stopped drinking, I noticed our sex life rapidly decline. He admitted that having sex sober was weird for him as he really just wasn't used to it. Understandable. We've spent a lot of time communicating about sexual desires, boundaries, needs, and even experimented with making home videos that we could watch together to just make the act less taboo and awkward. Things were going alright and started to pick back up for a while.

When he started seeing the psychiatrist I helped him find, he was diagnosed as bipolar. This diagnosis does seem to fit based on my experiences with him. Multiple times he has gone into manic states where he doesn't sleep, gets very paranoid, and does things that literally make no sense. He does not remember these episodes either. One time we were having a disagreement before bed, I said whatever I'm going to sleep and he stayed on the couch downstairs. I figured we'd talk about it tomorrow, it wasn't really that big of an argument in my mind. But clearly it was to him. He wakes me up at 3am having clearly not slept yet. His eyes are wild and big and he demands I open up the safe where we had about $2000 in cash and that i give him all the money. This is a strange request to me since 1) he knows the combo to the safe and 2) why do you need 2k at 3am? I ask why and he starts going on a rant about how I'm just using him for his money (btw we live below the poverty line and I was also working at the time so that's just not true). I'm concerned but also feeling confused. I had just taken over our budgeting process with combined incomes. I admit, I felt weird about him sending me all his paychecks, but in only a few months with me budgeting finances, we had been able to save up that 2 grand whereas before (and this was a whole argument) he was throwing his money away on various money lending apps that charge ridiculous fees and spending $35-50 a day on DoorDash. He had also previously admitted to me that he felt very tempted to relapse when he had money in his account so we had both decided to try me delegating the money. I added him as an authorized user on my credit card with an $8k limit and he would send me his money so I could pay all the bills. But it did feel strange to me to be the one with the money so I figured maybe this was how he had been feeling and I felt guilty. So I give him the $2,000 in cash and he storms off. Shirtless and without shoes, he walks straight out the front door. At this point, even in my half asleep stupor, I realize something is really just WEIRD about this situation even if he did truly feel like I was financially abusing him. I go outside to look around and he's just gone. I can't go back to sleep so I call and text him trying to ask where he went and if he's okay. Eventually he comes back and we sit outside and smoke a bit of cannabis. This helps him calm down and he begins to start acting like his normal self except he's confused as to why he has our money from the safe and reassures me that he's more than comfortable, even grateful, that I have taken over the accounting for our finances. This is just one of a handful of examples of what the doctor said are manic episodes. This one was tame compared to the other ones where he has put himself in danger by leaving in the middle of a snow storm with zero weather appropriate clothing and nearly froze to death and had to be taken to the hospital where he was in a RAGE.

He has tried multiple bipolar meds. Unfortunately, the one that worked best is $1600/month. He was able to try a months supply for much cheaper with a coupon, but Good Rx has since removed the coupon and he had to give up this medicine after only a month. (Caplyta if it matters). The current one he's on is not my favorite. To me, he seems almost devoid of emotion and barely talks to me for the last few months since he's been on it. But he doesn't really care about my concerns and continues to tell his doctor the meds are working fine. Ok, whatever, his body his choice, I support him.

With all these factors happening, our sex life has slowly decreased from daily sex (I have a high libido and thought he did too) to maybe a few times a week to now only a few times a month. He says he wants to have a baby with me and will have sex with me when I'm ovulating, but other than that he no longer ever initiates sex or even foreplay. I've tried to talk about how physical intimacy, even just kisses and hand holding, are really important for me to feel loved and appreciated. Whenever I bring that up, the next few weeks he will be more hands on an affectionate, but it always inevitably fizzles out. We barely even cuddle anymore.

Like I said earlier, I took it personally at first. Mostly because when sex was down to a few times a week, pretty much 2 out of 3 times he'd either lose his erection halfway through or not be able to get hard at all. When this would happen, all sexual touching would just stop. I thought at first it was me, I let my insecurity get the best of me. But after talking about it I came to understand that he was just embarrassed by his sexual dysfunction and was therefore rejecting me before I could reject him. This has lead to him getting a prescription for Viagra (works sometimes but not every time) and a compromise where he will at least hold me and kiss me if we cannot physically have sex. Sometimes he will even get me off with his hands before we go to sleep. I'm not unhappy with this compromise at all, but I do still really crave penetrative sexual intimacy. A lot of times after he goes to sleep, I've settled for just using my vibrator to satisfy myself enough to go to sleep. Sometimes this is hard because it's not just the physical sensations I want, but the emotional closeness of being intimate with another person.

I guess I said all this to say that only having sex to potentially get pregnant is taking its toll on me. It feels like maybe he does it out of obligation? He says no, that he enjoys physical intimacy with me and loves me. I love him too, but I'm starting to feel like I'm being treated like some kind of incubation chamber for a fetus and not a sexual being with sexual needs. This has lead to me rebuffing sexual initiation from him despite my desire to also have a child with him.

I'm talking about my feelings and needs with my therapist, but I want to know what else I can do to help him. He has admitted to me that he just doesn't feel much sexual anything these days. He doesn't wake up with morning wood. He doesn't even jack off anymore. I'm starting to get legitimately worried about his prostate because I am under the impression that at least cumming once a week is kind of healthy for a man's body? Maybe I'm wrong. Regardless, he feels burdened by his lack of sexual desires.

We've talked about how maybe he is asexual. He says he doesn't know but isn't sure that's the case because while he mentally has a desire to be sexual, he just doesn't feel like a sexual being much these days. I believe that sexuality is fluid and can be heavily influenced by a number of external factors like trauma. In fact, before I met him, I had been experiencing asexuality and even sex repulsion for 3 years. I equated this to sexual trauma but validated it as where I was at the time. I'm trying to do the same for him. And yes, even though I would still love him even if we never had sex again, I want to try to salvage our physical relationship if that's possible.

My theory is this. That his inability to get or stay hard most times even if he's the one who initiates are due to either (or maybe a combo of)- unresolved childhood sexual trauma, adjusting to sobriety and the facing of trauma that comes along with that, and/or the bipolar meds.

His doctor has said that the bipolar meds affect sexual capabilities. However she has also said the Viagra would help more than it has. This is why I think it's beyond just a physical reason and also psychological.

Should I just do the work and find him a more affordable therapist instead of waiting for him to do it himself? Should we look into couples counseling?

I want to help him. I'm just not sure how to.