So this issue is really a whole cluster of issues and I’m going to try my best to organize my thoughts effectively… The main problem is as stated in the title. That incompatibility seems to be primarily rooted in differences in frequency of desire (at least I believe so) and approach/initiation.

I am the person in the relationship (to my knowledge anyways) that experiences desire most frequently and feels the most sexually frustrated. Physical touch is my primary love language, but I’m a little particular about it in that it “doesn’t count” if I have to overtly initiate it or ask for it. I don’t feel loved when I don’t feel pursued/desired. It’s a big turn off for me to be the initiator when the scales feel unbalanced and I don’t feel frequently and consistently pursued as well…which results in me initiating only when absolutely desperate for it and often satisfying myself as I’m left alone most of the time in the evenings anyways while he plays video games across the house and upstairs.

I’ve brought this up with him frequently and he always says that it shouldn’t all be on him and he never wants to initiate because I always seem annoyed with him. And I’ve told him that I’m annoyed with him because I’m freaking sexually frustrated all the time! I’ve told him I would initiate more if I felt desired and pursued more often to begin with… I’ve told him I’d like to have sex multiple times a week and I can’t live my entire life in a sexless marriage. I tried suggesting that he come to bed every night between 10:30 and 11pm so that we have low pressure time together to connect, cuddle, and maybe do more if it progresses that way. He agreed to this and stuck to it for less than a week before consistently finding excuses not to and never doing it again. We go MONTHS without sex and hardly any physical contact outside of that. He tells me he’s trying, but I truly don’t see it and he says that makes him not even want to try. I feel like I’ve told him time and time again what I want/need and it’s disregarded and he just repeats that it shouldn’t all be his responsibility. At the same time…I feel like I’m doing my part by bringing it up periodically and trying to explain how I feel, what I want/need, and propose solutions that take some of the pressure off of him and nothing changes. He says he finds me extremely attractive and wants to have more sex too, but I honestly have a hard time believing that at this point and now there’s hurt and a sense of rejection there too because I’ve opened up about this so many times and he still doesn’t initiate or make any effort that’s apparent to me.

At this point, I’m constantly thinking about my ex and the incredible sex life we had, struggling with the thought that I’m wasting some of my prime time in life without having a fulfilled sex life, and I’m entertaining thoughts of getting what I need outside of our marriage. I’ve hinted at potentially moving toward an open marriage to him before during a conversation and he just completely shut down and it became very apparent that he wouldn’t be able to handle it and it would destroy our marriage… I still value our marriage and everything else besides our sex life is good. I don’t want to leave him over this or cheat, but what am I supposed to do when nothing changes??

We’ve been married 5 years and I feel like this started right around the time we got engaged when I was taking a medication that killed my libido, so I didn’t notice it right away, but I’ve been off the medication since right after we got married. The frequency has never been a lot by my standards, but it wasn’t like this before. When we do have sex, it’s usually really good and we’re both satisfied and have a great time (I think)! That was not always the case and I did have to “coach” him on pleasing me early on. We had the most sex when it was all about him and I never climaxed… So is it just too much effort for him? Easier to jerk off?? I’ve asked how often he does please himself and he says he does a lot, so I don’t know that a lack of drive on his end is the problem. I just feel like crap about it all and am tired of living like this.

If you actually read all of this, thank you!! I know it was long… I’m open to any and all advice. I’ve also suggested sex therapy to him before (I’m sure some will recommend that) and he did not seem very open to the idea.