So how do you know when it’s time to end an unhappy, but not unbearable marriage? My husband (M30) and I (F31) have been married 5 years and have never had what I would consider a happy marriage, or even a solid one. Everything was pretty good up until we got married and then went pretty sharply downhill immediately… We fought a lot and I think a lot of that was on me because I was coming off of some antidepressant medication and in hindsight probably not handling it well. It caused us both to pull away from each other and there was a lot of rupture without repair because he is conflict and conflict resolution averse. He would prefer to ignore things and then go on as though nothing ever happened.

After things stabilized from that, they were better in terms of civility, but very apathetic. Ever since then, there’s been very little physical contact and quality time together. We’re both introverts and each of us pretty much do our own thing during our free time unless we’re together for social obligations. When we do spend time together, it’s fine. It’s not bad at all, but it’s not what I would consider happy or fun. I no longer feel any romantic connection to him or have any desire for him to touch me, but I DO desire to be touched and desired. I have never cheated, but if the opportunity presented itself with the right person, in the right way, it would be very difficult for me to refrain… All that to say, we have a 3 year old daughter (conceived on our anniversary and 1 of the few times we had sex that year…) so that complicates things. He’s an amazing dad and a completely equal partner in managing the household. He is always respectful and kind towards me. I care about him and his feelings and would never want to hurt him, but I just feel nothing whatsoever romantically toward him anymore and am actually quite turned off by him often. Our relationship mostly resembles a platonic partnership and coparenting relationship at best at this point…

If I were being brutally and selfishly honest, in a perfect world (for me) we would continue the way we are as friends and essentially roommates to raise our daughter, but I would have the freedom to see other people and have my needs for intimacy and connection met elsewhere, without hurting him. I know that’s extremely messy and not realistic, and I doubt that would work in practice. I am just not happy being married to him and I hate being limited in my love life by a marriage that does not meet my physical or emotional needs.

I’ve talked to him about things of course and he has made small efforts as have I, but I don’t even know if anything will change for me at this point. I don’t know if I will ever find my way back to seeing him as a romantic partner, but I don’t want to disrupt our home and family dynamic. I also don’t want to hurt him. I know he’s not happy either, but he’s not the kind of person to ever do anything about it. His personality is very apathetic and he dislikes change.

Has anyone else ever experienced this? What did you do or what would you do? I just feel very stuck and have for a long time… We have talked about couples counseling, but for logistical reasons I’m not sure how we would make that happen with work and no childcare. Maybe teletherapy? I just don’t even know if I have a desire to strengthen our romantic connection at this point when it’s been absent for so long. Thinking about physical contact with him (and experiencing it on the rare occasion it happens) is very uncomfortable for me. Do I just accept this as my life? I’m not sure I can. Any objective thoughts and insight is appreciated!