There are NSFW themes below.

Context: we met at school a year before COVID lockdowns, she stayed at my place for a while and we transitioned to eventually moving in with each other (into a place I hated but compromised for because of the price). During that year we had tons of relationship issues that had to deal with a lot of my jealousy and trust issues that eventually led to us breaking up. I know that the way I acted was not ok and I got tons of therapy for it, and her seeing my efforts to improve was one of the main factors for her to try again with me. It's hard to change esp given an ADHD and Autism diagnosis but I worked hard and can say I have improved that part of my life.

We got isolated together during COVID, traveling with each other when it was cheap and moving out of our original place that was causing us tons of issues, and eventually settled back in my hometown. We've had some issues here and there but nothing that couldn't be worked out. This relationship really started becoming an issue when she decided to go back to school.

I should preface that I have paid for the majority of the stuff in our relationship because I have a steady income source (not a large one, but still). The first place we moved into together we agreed to split the rent 50/50, but it ended up being me paying probably 85% of the total rent and 100% of the utilities. The second and third place we moved into (third being current) is supplied by my work so we don't have rent, but she doesn't try to make any income and I still pay 100% of the bills. When she decided that she would go back to school, I cosigned her lease for a ~$500/mo place that she would agree to get work and pay for and I would only come in if she couldn't make rent. 9 months later and I have ended up paying every month, every bill, and she doesn't acknowledge that there is a place there that I'm paying for every month that she doesn't use. She knows that rent is due on this date but she says nothing about it, she did this before and her reason was that "the conversation is too awkward".

Also I have to perform all the maintenance on the cars, she never drives, it's like I'm her own personal chauffeur.

Keep in mind that she sits at home all day watching TV and cooking. She says that she has been doing things to start progressing but I never see her work. She has one opportunity that can make tons of income but I haven't seen her push on any of it.

She has had a hard upbringing growing up with bad manipulative parents in early 90's brooklyn. It's hard to hear her experiences but she has grown significantly and she can be an absolutely lovely person. I'm just starting to lose my patience with her not taking any accountability for her expenses, her occasional racist remarks and opinions, her drinking problems and how hostile she can be at times. She can be an absolutely wonderful person but she can put a strain on the relationship between my parents and I (actively encouraging me to ignore them when she thinks my mood is getting bad) and she can take up so much of my energy (I understand asking for help, but when she asks for help every time it gets unnerving). I've caught her using manipulative language before ("maybe it's the way your interpreting my tone that could be the issue" was the most recent one. Tonight she got pissed at me because I didn't offer to drive her to the store to pick up beer when she complained, which I refused because I was not sober. I've already dealt with one DUI, never again.)

I've been thinking about breaking up with her, but I am scared for numerous reasons. I've never broken up with someone (always have been broken up with), she doesn't have a ton of support without me, and I hate conflict. I know that somewhere inside her is someone beautiful waiting to be free as she deserves to be, but I feel defeated, done, over the whole thing. We can't even have sex because she refuses to. I try to let her know how sexy and gorgeous she is and how much I'd like to be with her but she always says that she doesn't want to because she feels fat. I feel like she says that both because she's telling the truth and also because I've let myself go too. I only suggest it, but never pushes it when she says no (consent is too important to me, I know how it can hurt when it's violated), and to be honest it has led me to trying to find moments when she is passed out drunk or asleep where I can masturbate. It's gotten bad enough that I hide the fact that I use weed and poppers to enjoy myself now. It's not bad enough that I need them, but bad enough that I started to prefer it over sex (which I fucking love to do).

I feel like the only reason she is here is because of the security I provide. I think she loves me but there's some alternative motive pushing this relationship through. I miss being single and not having to answer to anyone, I miss the freedom of going where I want to go. I hate the fact that this supposed "poly" relationship has become a sexless monogamous one. I don't feel like she's a girlfriend or a partner anymore, it feels like she's just a friend. The relationship just feels so transactional.

I don't know what to do, I want to get back into therapy but I just feel so drained after dealing with bills, family, animals, cars, fixing whatever breaks in the house, and her. I have tried but I can never remember what I talked about previously unless I can really focus on it. I want to be single again and I want her to be ok, but how can I leave someone who very much depends on me for her own livelihood?

Sorry for the long weirdly written text, it's 2:48am and I've had a long day. Had to remove a rusted in CV axle in my car, but it didnt go smoothly so I ended up having to take the whole engine mount / axle bracket off while being poked with a broken exhaust flex pipe. Please if anyone has input I will accept it.