I am a 52 year old woman who drank in my teens and 20’s which led me to using which got out of hand more than once. I found the answer inside of AA/CA/CMA/NA in the early 90’s.

As an adoptee/former foster youth I always sought a bigger and better family.
I thought I had truly found it inside 12 step world. Moving from home to home growing up I had the skills of complying, feigning gratitude, and acting as if_________.
AA yielded several long periods of sobriety over the years. It also provided me with a set of instructions to follow in the literature that promised me a psychic change and a new freedom. I participated in this way of life with varying degrees of enthusiasm over the years.
My home group always preached that if you have this disease there’s nothing you can do about it. The message was that you either have the physical allergy, the mental obsession, and the spiritual malady or you don’t. We always shared from the podium that this disease has nothing to do with your past your childhood or your trauma. I believed that wholeheartedly until this last year. I began to ask a lot of questions and do some research I even joined a couple deep programming groups. All the while I was doing this my mind kept telling me it is my disease trying to kill me. I was literally terrified, praying, and keeping journals at the same time.

All went well for about eight months and then I picked up a drink. That was Fine for about three months. Still to this day almost a year later I have not gotten drunk once or blacked out I had a hangover or called in sick to work.
HOWEVER I have began to use other substances! And I don’t mean pot!
I am starting to worry.
I have a adoption competent therapist. I am doing lots of writing. I have joined several other adult adoptee support groups, I have many hobbies and things I look forward to. I love my friends! Just took my daughter on a really nice trip with no drugs or drinking 2 weeks.

For the first time in my life I am using with a curious approach.

Why would I return back to those substances that ultimately diminished my spirit, zest, parenting and quality of life?

Was AA right is this a disease?
All of the professionals that I have spoken to it with us last year do not believe that it is a disease. They believe that it is a symptom of some deeper issues.
When anybody in our meetings would give a reason for why they relapsed we would always laugh!

We were positive that nothing can be blamed for “going out” other than you were not working a good enough program.

There’s a lot more to the story but I’m getting tired of typing I’d love to hear your thoughts!