I stopped going to meetings altogether about a month and a half ago. A big reason why is that I just had never made real connections with the people after 10.5 months in the program. I had three sponsors, and I would tell them, “you know I call people, but they don’t answer”. Often people would respond over text, like, “sorry I’m at a party right now, hope you’re doing well!” Or when they’d ask how I was, not reply to my reply. My sponsors would always just be like “sorry that sucks but you gotta remember we’re all just a bunch of alcoholics!”

Anyway, since I stopped going, I’ve heard from no one. Once I stopped reaching out, (which when no one is responding, feels like harassment), I got nothing. And I feel so torn up about it. I have always been a major isolator, so in active addiction, I had no one. I only feel safe when I’m alone. Then I come into this program and everyone is circle jerking about how welcoming it is, how they don’t feel alone anymore. And ppl kept telling me, “it’s not that bad things won’t happen in sobriety, it’s that you won’t have to go thru it alone”. And that’s the whole reason I stayed so long in it!! Despite all the bullshit I’ve gone through in AA, I really wanted that promise to be real, but I couldn’t even not be alone going thru the steps with my deadbeat sponsors.

I don’t think AA is really a cult, bc I really think I would’ve had a better time if it was. It makes me feel so defective that not even the other alcoholics want to be around me lmao. Like maybe it’s my city? Everyone has such full lives and I’d get so emotional leaving meetings bc I had nothing else going on. And now that it hurts more to be at a meeting, I don’t really leave my house except to go to doctor’s appointments and work.

I feel so stupid and sensitive but I cannot get over how I spent the better part of a year with people and still could not make them care.