I recently got a new sponsor. She’s my third one. I’m extremely skeptical but honestly her being politically an anarchist and what she says her approach is the only reason I decided to try again. But at the same time, meetings just don’t make me feel any better. I am constantly craving human connection but it’s so elusive and when I can get it, it’s like something is wrong with my brain and I can’t actually connect with anyone.

Been in a real isolating era lately and idk man. I don’t really believe in the sober date shit anymore but I haven’t drank for ten months, haven’t used stimulants for about a year now, and it’s been like three months since I last used kratom. Yet I am still wanting to drink and use and I want to go back to using opiates. I don’t usually crave amphetamines anymore but today it’s like “damn it would be nice to feel something other than pain”. I smoke weed still bc not smoking makes me want to use even more, but it’s more like when they shoot a tranquilizer at a zoo animal, ya know, like temporary relief. And it’s such a short temporary.

I have tried so many medications and I just think SSRIs are bullshit at this junction. I’m in therapy which does help, but it’s EDMR so it’s so so so rough and draining. I still very much have that urge to ruin my life as much as possible and the last time I drank I was homeless and almost died so like. I can only quote my first sponsor who told me that my bottom was so low that to go any further just meant actually dying.

It just kills me that when I say this to my psych or AA ppl that they don’t seem to take it seriously. Like I’ve heard “if you actually wanted to use you would’ve already done it”. Like please trust me when I say I’m scared and feel like I’m in danger damn.