I’ve been doing AA since January. Literally hit 8 months without drinking today, but I’m also an addict and relapsed in July. If the problem is solely a craving to drink/use, I can do AAism shit just fine. The problem is I got a boat load of trauma and as soon as that gets hit, my ability to reach out to someone, to do use any of the tools of the program, is just nil. I’m really bad with isolating. Doesn’t help that it also feels incredibly hard to get someone in AA to actually reply to texts/calls either. I used to feel a sense of relief in AA but I haven’t for a while now.

I tried an ACA meeting last night and was essentially like, “I have trouble staying sober as soon as shit with my parents is brought into the picture.” When I say something like that in AA, the response is usually smth dismissive like “that’s a justification to use”, so idk I thought ACA would be more ???? Understanding I guess. But when I said that, someone told me the program wouldn’t work at all if I couldn’t stay sober. Which like, I can stay sober, but only for a few months before I hit a breaking point, so I thought maybe if I started this, it would help me work through shit so that it would be desensitized enough.

I’m also in therapy with a trauma/addiction specialist. It’s helping but not enough. Or I guess not at a fast enough rate. Like it obviously doesn’t solve the problem of being friendless or stuff like that.

I keep getting rejected by psychiatrists, who either tell me they’re not qualified to help me or that I’m unhelpable. I also got rejected from different treatment programs bc I can’t meet the time requirements or bc of insurance issues. (Like I didn’t have insurance bc I was homeless/unemployed, but now I have a job with good insurance but can’t do 20hrs of meetings a week, a real number I was given, bc of my job.)

Ppl say there’s alternatives but literally what at this point. SMART doesn’t work for me either. Honestly at a point where I wish there was a death with dignity type thing for mental illness. I have the same conversation with my therapist over and over again about being a lost cause but like!!! Where is the evidence I’m not? I’ll be like “I’m sad and miserable all the time” at AA meetings and ppl will be like, “that’s how ur supposed to feel in the first year! :D” Like ok but I can be sad and miserable and also high, this isn’t enticing me to be sober.

To make it worse, I’m in nyc and it feels like most AA members are like firmly middle class or richer ppl with family support. So it feels like the difference between recovering and not is just something I don’t have access to and this is a losing game. One of the only ppl I’ve met who wasn’t like that was my first sponsor, who is a decade sober and still a miserable person. Idk dude. I feel worse than hopeless right now.