I’m not even going to get into the whole story because I’m just flat out tired. I’ve been walked all over my whole life, I can’t rely on my family because all they seem to know how to do is call 911/get me hospitalized my entire life (I’m a 26M now), I’ve been sexually assaulted, everybody thinks I’m too much, I lost the love of my life 2 years ago after being together for over 5 years after I literally worked to turn my life around for this woman (I got my bachelors through pure grit, provided us a stable apartment so she could, as I’ve said “finish her degree in peace”, she never had to pay rent, I worked a job that sucked the life out of me just so I could provide for her, and all that so she could leave me when I’m at my lowest and she just moves on and only came to see for sex right before I moved, months later), etc.

I turned drugs at 18 to cope because of all the pain I’ve endured. Ever since then I’ve been traumatized from all the psych wards I’ve been to, yet I still kept going and worked as a well loved history teacher, then I worked in collections at a bank, last year I fulfilled my Lifelong dream of traveling to Southeast Asia for the entire summer, and then I spent 8 MONTHS in and out of rehabs and I couldn’t say no because I had no job, so I would have been homeless. Then this spring I landed my dream job and nearly lost it last month after I tried to commit suicide with fentanyl (I cried to my boss about it after I broke down in a virtual 1 on 1 and instead of getting fired, I got close to 50 days of paid leave), and now I don’t even want to go back to the apartment I worked so hard to get because my dad, for the millionth time, called 911 on me and my house was basically violated by him and the police, and now I’m in rehab in the opposite side of the country and I don’t know what to do, I’m literally losing my beloved hair from all the stress I have, and I try to talk to one of the workers here about it as I’m literally sniffling and tearing up and all she says is “all you do is complain about the care”

I’m so fucking tired, I HAVE NONODY, I don’t even want to exist anymore. It seems to me that I’m just a burden to everyone, all I ever wanted was for someone to be there for me and tell me everything will be ok. I wish I didn’t fucking wake up last month, I’ve overdosed over 10 times, a lot of those were suicide attempts, I now have nerve damage on my left two fingers in my left hand, I’m fucking hurting beyond anything I can handle anymore, and I’ve handled A LOT. I’m about to be without a home because I don’t even feel safe in my beloved little home anymore, the one place that was supposed to be my little bubble couldn’t even stay untouched by others filthy hands, not even my own mother came to see me when I was in the hospital after I nearly died. On top of already being a diagnosed autistic, I suffer from crippling anxiety, I have PTSD, add in my addiction to benzos/opiates, and I’m just tired of everybody looking at me with disdain, why the fuck am I still here for? The only comfort I find at this point when I’m in bed at night with my teddy bear in bed at night, when I’m praying, or if I’m getting high. I don’t want to get high anymore, that’s why I’m in rehab, but I’m questioning if any of this is even worth it anymore.

I don’t even know why I’m even bothering with sharing all of this, I don’t know if I have the strength to keep going any longer.