Why did I say that psilocybin is useless in the title ? Because I see people promoting it and that they are godlike good and to be fair I am glad to see that people were helped by them and they do have a ton of health benefits but for me personally , they are just useless and I am sad about it , tried shrooms a bunch of times from different vendors and species , they did work short term but never worked long term , I did both micro doses and big doses with long breaks of course to do not have tolerance last time I did enough to trip for 3 days and still nothing afterwards , the problem is that is harder and harder to stay sober from drugs overall (8 years of drugs but last 2 years of mainly meth) , 6 months and 3 weeks passed and I find myself more sad than ever , and my suicidal thoughts are constantly running in my head, I like that my memory is better , that my hand eye coordination is better and I can complete tasks that I never could before including being able to get my driver's licence but I feel being dragged down in the addiction hole constantly, when I thought things finally turn better , life proved me otherwise , I feel like I am a waste , I tried to make social connections that will help on with my journey but it was in vain , there are only 3 rehabs in my country , all expensive and far from me so that's out of question , I barely have moments when my mind leaves me alone , I do cold showers and meditation daily , I work out from time to time but still useless I want to have a rest from all the negative thoughts , I want my mind to be empty again , but in the same time I don't want to go back to use it , cant I just hit my head hard enough with a baseball bat and get the same effect ?
I plan to try some extract from a plant that I heard can improve the mood , is called kanna but I am not so hopeful from it , I am still more than sure I just have to suffer for the same amount of years that I did drugs at least, because I ended up trying them and doing them from my bad choices now I guess mental suffering is the fair punishment that I have to endure on the to see the bright side my organs are getting better and I took care of them enough to do not shut down , it is overall my bad that I just wanted to feel good when I was a child and nothing worked naturally when I started either so ...

Sorry for typing so much but I am still hopeful that I can find something that will help in the comment section and thank you very much for reading and trying to help , I appreciate anything and everything you have to say, best regards