So I’ve always struggled with controlling my alcohol use ever since I was 12 - I am now in my mid twenties.. I am a black out binge drinker/addict. Growing up I was a bright soul with a slight dark side to me always dealt with depression& anxiety with a toxic home life. but I always pushed through, like doing cheerleading, student government & volunteer work. When I got to college, that’s when I knew I was turning to the dark side, black outs every weekend turned into daily blackout, I dabbled in cocaine and that’s when I moved back home with my parents.. I thought the change of scenery would help me.. NOPE- only got worse. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and got into heavy daily drinking, drinking & driving everyday, getting kicked out of therapy due to substance abuse, hurting everyone I loved and was aggressive when I drank I got sober for a year in 2020 & my celebration for that was to drink because I made it a year which meant I was “fixed” right? NO. Only got worse and worse every time I tried to get sober and went back out. I went to jail twice for fighting, got sexually assaulted while drinking, crashed my car drunk driving 3 times. I got into a domestic violence type of relationship with an older narcissistic man that caused a lot of trauma/PTSD and my drinking only became worse.. Since about December 2022 I got into cocaine HEAVILY 1-2 g a day on top of drinking. March of 2023 I lost my best friend since kindergarten due to a drunk driving accident and that’s when I SWORE OFF ALCOHOL. Yet I got even more into cocaine during my time without alcohol. In September of 2023 I relapsed with alcohol and almost committed suicide due to hallucinations of my abusive ex being there. 4 days later I checked into rehab- it was life or death. I did a beautiful inpatient treatment for 30 days.. felt the most free I’ve ever felt in my life in my little safe bubble.

I came home feeling stronger than ever & about a week and a half in I started getting cravings… 1.5 weeks ago, I relapse with SPEED, adderal, and 1 line of cocaine. I have been doing the speed almost everyday and I stopped this morning and I am having THE HARDEST TIME trying to find the strength to come back from this.. I don’t even know where to start when it comes to feeling okay.

I just feel like giving up on everything and I don’t know where to go from here.. where do I go from here??