So.... I won't get into much detail of my story here. If you want to read up on it, you can find it in my post history.
So, 30 days ago, my husband was officially announced dead. Brain dead. Overdose. I was in the ICU with him at this point for a few days. Signing paperwork, making end of life decisions, seeing his family and friends so they could say their goodbyes,
Two days after that, he was wheeled away to have his organs removed. He was able to gift 5 organs. Heart, Liver, kidneys, lungs and pancreas.
After his was wheeled off I check myself into a yearlong women's program. It is faith based and this is very difficult for me because I am not religious. But it was the only place that would take me, and I just could not trust myself being out. I had already relapsed 2 hours after arriving to the hospital to see him. His unexpected overdose put me in a spiral. Changed my total life plans. We had just graduated from rehab that same day for heaven's sake!
Anyways, so it has been 30 days since he died, and I got clean. Greiving is something I'm still not really sure of how to handle. It's messy and unlike addiction where you are trained to counter your addictive thoughts and combat your triggers, the only real way to grieve is to just feel. Which is hard for someone like me who is so used to smoking and drinking my feelings away.

One way I have tried to cope with his loss is by helping others. I think I can use this year long program as an opportunity to get a certificate or license in addiction counseling. I have enough life experience and I'm telling myself that at least something good can come from all this pain and his death. Another project I've done towards grief is taking over his Podcast. Each episode I interview someone in recovery to give others inspiration. It also is supposed to be therapeutic for the person telling their story. It gives me purpose.

I launched the 4th season by telling mine and his last 7 months together. The overdoses, cops, ERs, fights etc... even though my heart and soul is still heavy I did feel the tiniest bit lighter just talking out loud about everything. And crying on the internet.
Now, at least I feel it is our project. Our creation. That him and I are still a team working towards something together.
Also, when getting here to this new program, three different people came up to me who had known my husband and knew of his podcast! Small world. So I took that as a sign.

I'm also seeing a therapist. So far, I really like her, and she is not religious. I feel safe talking with her about my problems without fear she will think I am going to hell.
I've reconnected with friends. Made a few new ones.
I still feel lost and resentful towards his death. I'm heartbroken, lonely, guilty, scared and angry.

And I still fantasize about getting loaded. Daily. I still can't bring myself to say that my goal is to stay clean forever because a part of me doesn't want to. Even today realizing that my clean date is his death date gave me a weird feeling. A bit bummed out because I feel now I have to stay clean because this new sober date is so monumental that I can't lose it. Out of respect for him. The two dates weren't even intentional. It just worked out this way.
The reality is that if I were to leave here tomorrow, I would be homeless, no money, I would do whatever with whoever to get high and drunk the minute I left. I would give up on recovery because I just don't have anymore energy to climb back from whichever hole I dig myself into next. It's scary but true. I don't have another recovery in me. Next relapse would be my last and I'd make sure I'd be as blitzed and euphoric and smashed as possible while burning whatever little I left to the ground. And considering I have nothing left I wouldn't even care about burning it all anyway.
All that's going for me is hope. Hope that it will get easier and that one day I may help others from being a success story. Hope that one day I won't be so sad. May not be now but hopefully I'll get there...if I keep staying put and trusting in the process rather than myself.

Here's the podcast if you want to listen.

The Thunder Dome by Amy and Thunder | Podcast on Spotify