Y'all i relapsed this weekend... And it was with my S/O. We said if it ever happened to us, recovering addicts, we would be the others accountability... Reeled it in tonight. Told him we CANT be making bad life decisions. Our sex life and intimacy had been at an all level high. Like phenomenally raunchy. Lol.

Back story, used since 2019 have THANKFULLY always been able to stop at some point, terrified of jail. Went to a few rehabs. I have to be grateful for how self aware I am of my actions. I have always used in small doses, never had bad trips or shadow people, apart from lack of sleep(which had a strict schedule to make sure I got SOME)

We've had one other relapse that he was able to stop after his first psychosis episode...

This one I've had AWFUL paranoia. Was good at first, obviously, but I've over done it. And it's affecting me so Bad at this moment. My brain won't form proper sentences. As I'm typing this I literally like... Log out of my head, or not able to keep a single train of thought so bear w me.

So my paranoia I think is tied to having to witness my mans psychosis(other than the drugs), and I keep thinking about the possibility of it happening again so I've been on his ass about getting some sleep while he was just trying to be productive since we didn't go to work today. Made us fight. And I'm currently acting so fuckin weird w him and I hate it because it's the drugs. -Im paranoid he is like... Cheating on me, it's straining the relationship. -I fuck up talking in a whole ass sentence and make no sense and I HATE the stupid feeling. -Im terrified his mom knows or finds out and idk why but I act SKETCHY as shit around her, probably makes her actually find out. -I hate not being able to think straight -I hate not being able to concentrate on what my boyfriend is saying to me because the meth warps my hearing. Thinking he said something which wasn't what he said at -NEITHER of us went to work today, which harms us

There had been auditory and visual hallucinations along w the paranoia. All I can say is fuck that. I was seeing cop cars EVERYWHERE... Fuckin hate it. Hate how it's making me act after the initial "fun" part.

Last dose was at 5 pm today. He did some which was the last of our stash after we fought earlier around 6.. He hasn't slept so I assume he will crash. I slept a few hrs around 4 am woke at 9. I can't wait until this is behind us because we are STRONGER than our addiction. We are NOT ourselves on this shit. Ugh Idk what the point of this post is. I just need a reminder of how much I hate myself after a relapse. The way I act and talk surprises me in not a good way.

My boyfriend is currently tweaking in the shower.., he will not stop fucking singing. And that's making my paranoia think his mom's gonna question it.

I need to stay off reddit when I'm high because I see how it negativity effects people and it makes me so anxious and paranoid.

And that's precisely why, I will not be doing this again.

If your wanting to try meth, DON'T. Its fucking trash. Yeah it's great sex, which is why so many people do it but it's not worth it.

if you want to message me to help me ride this out without a massive paranoia freak out that ends badly you can.