Hey there!

We’re one of your mods, and an ENM/open/swinging/stag-vixen couple here. As you’ll see from our profile, Mr. tends to be the active one and is who runs the account 99% of the time. This is not unusual for couples accounts, or even for other ENM people who play alone that we know. As such, Mr. vets the messages that come through. Mrs. sees them all, and also decides on who’s worth it and who isn’t. A lot of people who message us could be the sweetest people on earth, but never get a chance due to how they message, so we thought we would give some advice which applies to everyone here regardless of who you message. This is advice compiled from our own experiences, as well as many chats with other couples, males, females, and even non-binary folks about their experiences. Don’t shoot the messenger 😉

First up, have pictures either on your profile or in your opening message. We know people like to be discreet, because we are insanely concerned with discretion. We’re not necessarily asking for face pics, but at least a vague idea of what you look like. Blank profiles accompanied by “blank”messages are instantly ignored, and usually leave a sour taste even if that person subsequently messages “the right way”. I’d also add here that, at the end of the day, most of us are here for something sexual. It’s not a bad thing to show off your body in messages as long as it’s not the only focus. We all know how to make our cocks look bigger, or how to hide “undesirable” parts of us to show off our boobs etc, so try make it clear. A dick pic and a hi rarely cuts through, even if you’re blessed by the gods in that department.

Second up, your opening message matters. We don’t need your life story, but “hey” won’t cut it. Likewise, just because we’re trying to find someone to play with does not mean that we only want to hear “let me fuck your wife and cum in her”, or our personal ^leastfavorite “does she play alone” followed by a lengthy 8th grade attempt at sexting. Look at what the person’s post says, and scout out their profile. Yes, be flirty. Yes, pay them a compliment. Yes, comment on what they have done and be inquisitive. Don’t assume, or be overly assertive. Without meaning any disrespect, if you come off as hyper-dominant in your initial message, there’s no way of us telling if you’re playing the role, or if you’re a piece of shit who wants to be violent to women. For us personally, we’re not a “cuckold” couple at all. We don’t want humiliation or shaming or anything of the sort. Talking and being nice actually can lead to more things than could be expected too. For example, a guy messaged who was straight (not ideal for a bi couple who wants to both be involved), but was real nice and respectful in the messages. Discussion continued between us as a couple and the third party, and now there’s a connection there between Mrs and him. But, others have not, and will not, be so lucky.

Following on from that, try offer a description in your first message. And, try make it good. “M22 8in cock 6ft in St Paul” isn’t gonna grab attention like an actual prose message describing yourself, what you’re looking for, and explaining any similarities/differences to what the other is looking for. You truly would not believe how much difference the opener makes. We get upwards of 100 chat requests alone, not including DMs per day. Most of those get ignored on the weight of their opener and profile combo. If you message someone, it is assumed that you want to play with them. If they’re advertising, especially if a female is involved, they’ll be the ones weeding people out. The power lays with you to make an impact, because I almost guarantee that people aren’t looking to play detective trying to figure out “if this guy is worth fucking”.

Finally, know your audience. This ties in with everything else, but try figure out what the other person wants. For example, we have never once requested a partner the same night we advertise. We state in posts on our profile, as well as those in other r4r subs that we take a lot of time to get to know someone. Our premise is that the bad people will reveal themselves given enough time. If the person isn’t advertising wanting to move to another app, don’t request it too soon. If someone requests a person that same night, then don’t message them if you’re a “feel it out” kinda person. Basically, use common sense and be respectful. Don’t go in to a stag/vixen couple trying to humiliate the male counterpart, because they won’t be interested. Don’t message a M4F request if you’re a guy. It’s simple, try keep up with what people actually want. Don’t keep messaging over and over, or you’ll likely be blocked. And, understand that sometimes you end up not being the right fit for someone!

I’m sure we, as well as many of you posting here, will have this ignored. But hopefully, it makes some of it easier and lays the groundwork for y’all to get laid!

Enjoy, be respectful, be safe, and play nice 😉