This is an X-post from 2XC since I didn't really get a lot of conversation there beyond "find a therapist" which I am in the process of doing. I also postedit in r/projectunbreakable. I really would just like to vent/commiserate.

This is a reply I wrote in a thread about sexual abuse in r/askwomen. After writing it all out at once like that (the first time I've ever done that) I felt like I needed to talk about it more. I am hoping it isn't a mistake to put this under my usual screen name.

TRIGGER WARNING: Descriptions of sexual assaults ahead.

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I was sexually abused by a few different people. My creepy neighbor who used to masturbate in front of me and tried to force me to give him a handjob/oral sex. (ages 7-13)

My friend's dad who groped me a lot when we would do things like go swimming. I woke up one night to him with his hand in my underwear and I think he was masturbating. I was 8.

When I was 15, I was raped at a party. I probably just had too much to drink and fell asleep and woke up with him performing oral sex on me and then trying to get me to perform it on him. He tried to have vaginal sex with me, but he kept losing his erection. So he threw me in the floor and pulled my shirt over my head and fingered me really hard. I had a number of injuries after this particular attack. Cuts and bruises and scrapes.

When I was fifteen, I went to my sister's birthday party. A friend of hers, my brother's girlfriend at the time, assaulted me. I was unconscious again, and woke up to my sister pulling her off of me and punching her in the face. Apparently she had my pants pulled down and was fingering me/performing oral on me.

When I was thirteen, some guy from a chat room found out where I lived and threatened to come kill me if I didn't undress and masturbate for him/watch him masturbate. He told me he was recording me.

Then, another time when I was fourteen. I was mistaken for a prostitute while walking home from my friend's house and a guy grabbed me and tried to drag me into his car.

I also was a victim of a really bad beating in middle school that cracked some ribs and gave me a concussion because people thought I was a lesbian (I am bisexual). So not really sexual, it was very traumatic.

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I started cutting myself when I was ten. It ended up being an almost every day occurrence until I managed to kick the habit at age 15. I am horribly scarred from it, though. My arms, legs, and chest are covered in scars.

I told my highschool boyfriend about my neighbor and my friend's dad and I told him that I was cutting and suicidal. He freaked out and told his mom and dad who then contacted my parents. I was immediately put into therapy and quickly diagnosed as having PTSD.

I was hospitalized a few times, once for a suicide attempt, the others because I knew I was suicidal and asked for help.

My first visit to a psychiatric hospital was terrifying. I was 14. When I got there, I was told to get naked and put on a paper gown and to wait for the doctor. It was late at night, he didn't have a female nurse with him. He tore the gown off without warning and started feeling my body and commenting on my breasts and pubic hair, and he, for some reason, gave me a pelvic exam. I felt like I was getting attacked again. After that, I had to strip again in front of a group of nurses and shower while they watched me. I started having flashbacks and absolutely freaked and took off running down the hall naked, trying to get to an exit. The nurses made fun of me for this for the rest of my time there.

I am 23 now and I don't think about any of it as often. But it still creeps into my mind from time to time.

I have a hard time giving my husband a handjob because it reminds me too much of the abuse. He thinks I find him revolting. I also can't deal with him masturbating around me, I just break down into tears and he doesn't get why.

I have birth to two girls within the past two years. I had an extremely difficult time breastfeeding them (and ultimately quit) because it reminded me too much of the attacks.

I'm doing pretty well these days, but like I said, certain things still set it off. After each birth, I had such bad PPD that I relapsed back into self harm.

I have told my husband about a lot of this, but not all. It just never comes up and a lot of it is pretty humiliating.