I don’t love him. I actually find him disgusting.. But I crave for his love. I want him to love me and protect me. Feeling like I am stuck in Stockholm syndrome. Everynight I woke from my bed to just check on his socials, this happene 3 to 4 times each day. I stalk all his girlfriends, and family on multiple different socials via my fake accounts. I want him to text me. I want him to come to my home, or to invite me. I even crave having sex with him (though I find him disgusting). I want him to dominate me and make me his possession. I don’t understand why I feel this way. I am really ashamed of myself. All my friends call me stupid for this. I also feel stupid too. I can’t really understand why this is happening. Has anyone ever experienced this before?

(The rape happened two times before. All when I was passed out from drugs. The first one happened when i told him i didn’t want him, but couldn’t do anything because my body was shut down due to drugs. I wasn’t able to move. The second happened again, I was on drugs but this time completely passed out. He took me to bathroom and hit my head to bathroom floor couple times. I wasn’t even able to say no this time.)