I need to share, this is constantly bothering me. I'm not codoning my actions, I was definitely wrong for what I did. This replays in my head almost every single day. I feel disgusting, like a piece of meat. This is just the most prominent incident. He raped me more frequently after that. This wasn't the first time either but I convinced myself it wasn't rape before and this wasn't really either but it was.

At this point I'm 19 weeks pregnant I think, it's hard to remember, everything is blurry and confusing. It's near the end of my relationship, I'm drained, I've been gaslighted and left to my own devices and paranoia. My life is drugs at this point, but I'm really trying hard to be clean. I've been off everything but weed and pain pills and I've been weaning off those. This night though? It's acid, but I wouldn't have taken it if I knew things would go this wrong. Early on in the trip, knowing I just wanted to listen to music and chill, my ex (partner at the time) won't stop telling me he wants sex. I don't want sex at all, but I say yes after a lot of I don't knows and maybe laters. I get on top of him and the entire time I have my eyes closed and the only thing repeating in my head is "I want to be anywhere but here...anywhere but here....anywhere..." He doesn't orgasm after what I think is too long, I am crying but I am hiding tears from him so he doesn't hate me. He wants me to play with him and I say no, I know he's irritated.

He later takes more acid and tries to pressure me into to taking more, I pretend to take it, but I hide it away for later. We end up back in the bed and I'm laying down, I've been having fun, but he won't let me use my phone which I wanted to do. He begs me for sex again and to take off my bra. I say no, I say no so many times and he tells me he'll make it worth my while. I just shut up and he takes off my bra and starts touching me. Again in my head it repeats "anywhere but here, I want to be anywhere but here" over and over and over, then suddenly I'm just a child and he's my father touching me. I am not in my own body, I'm that kid again and he's violating this flesh. Is it mine?? He pulls down my pants and I come too, crying, sobbing and he finally notices and is visibly irritated. He sighs and says he'll leave me alone and just deserts me without even pulling my pants up. I lay there crying for who knows how long before I can even pull up my pants or put my bra back on. The rest of the time he goes on and on about how he just wanted an orgasm.