TW: Childhood sexual abuse

In elementary school, I lied, no, BRAGGED to my school friends that two grown men would climb into my house through my window and touch me inappropriately. This was a lie. I have no clue or logical reason why I thought making up this story would get me liked more my friends but I think that’s why I did it, to make them jealous and like me more.

Why in the world did I think that getting abused my two grown men would make me more liked? I ask myself this all the time.

I have a theory that it was because I had super low self esteem as a child and no boys liked me back.

So did that get me more liked? Of course not. The girls I told, told their parents what I said and the next school day the police were there to ask me questions. I was beyond terrified because the story was made up. I ofc denied that I ever said any of that story to the girls and the police left. I think they even contact my mom after because my mom randomly asked me one day if I had ever told someone two men molested me. Again I faked innocence and denied it.

Well karma is a bitch. Even to children. Because a couple years later (I have no idea what age I was but I was either still in elementary or middle school) I got molested my cousin.

He was one year younger than me which makes my story less believable but it is true.

I still remember what was on TV, family guy, when we started kissing. These memories are so repressed I have no idea how we started kissing. Maybe it was consensual but I don’t remember.

I then remember him taking me into the bathroom with him and making me strip off all my clothes. And he took off all his clothes. Then he started kissing me again with his penis rubbing on my stomach. Then there was a loud knock on the door… it was my older female cousin (his big sister) We quickly put on our clothes and opened the door. She asked what we were doing and I don’t remember What our excuse was, maybe that we both had to pee and couldn’t wait??! That might be it, another repressed memory.

Anyways after that, I started feeling awful. Before I was just frozen and obeying with no emotion but then it hit me. This wasn’t right. We were cousins and both children. But obviously he had either been taught this behavior or was going through puberty and was curious about sex.

It didn’t stop there though, later in the night he kept “dropping” his toys like action figures down the front of my shirt in an obvious attempt to feel up my chest. I was crying and told him to stop it but he didn’t care.

Then my mom came to pick me up and it ended.

Eventually I couldn’t hold it in and told a family friend whom which told my mom. Thank god my mom believed me. She is verbally and emotionally and once physically abusive but she does not play about stuff like that and was furious this happened to me. I love my mom. That side of the family, my cousins mother and kids (this cousin had like 4 other siblings) they all didn’t believe me when it came out.

Even the cousin that had knocked on the door and HAD to have heard us putting our clothes on quickly, didn’t believe me even though it is obviously weird that two child came out of a bathroom together.

I hate them, I don’t talk to them and I don’t forgive them for not believing me.

I am in intensive group therapy because I tried to commit suicide recently and have talked about my abuse a couple of times but never really got into it deeply.

I think I am the only person in the world who actually deserved my sexual abuse. Because I lied about something horrible and then karma got to me. I deserved it for lying about something thousands of people have cried intensely about. I deserved it, I really did and I think I am still getting karma for it because I was molested again a few weeks ago. In the damn mental hospital that they sent me to when I attempted suicide.

You would think that a sick person like that wouldn’t be in the depression ward trying to get help but they were.

This time I didn’t exactly freeze up, instead I was coerced.

This guy was 18, I’m 21, and he would constantly ask me to do sexual things with him, over and over and over until I gave in. He was cute to me and he asked to date and I said yes. But I didn’t want to do anything sexual with him because we had just meet. But he kept saying that he was getting out in a day or two and wanted to not waste our time together… “so just real quick touch it?” He said. He coerced me to touch and rub his penis through his pants. He coerced me to let him grab my breasts. He coerced me to kiss him. And eventually asked me to blow him but actually didn’t keep asking once I said no once. Idk why this time he didn’t try to guilt time or convince me to do it but this time he just accepted it.

And then he was making out with me and I was trying to pull away by pushing his shoulders back but he was so strong that he didn’t budge even a little. I eventually pulled my head back enough to breath and he said “I’m not done yet” and force kissed me again. That sentence keeps repeating in my head. “I’m not done yet” As if it didn’t matter that I wanted to stop. I later again pulled my head back but he just decided to start kissing my neck instead while he lifted me on the desk. He kept trying to get me to spread my legs but I kept them so tightly shut that he couldn’t.

There are cameras in the room we were in and at the hospital people were supposed to be watching us but I think he bribed them to look the other way because he knew the workers personally and had money. So there is video evidence of this happening but I don’t think it would prove anything since it would look like I was consenting to the camera.

I would have never thought that younger men and boys would take advantage of me because that’s not usually how it goes but it really happened.

I still feel like I deserved this molesting too because I agreed to date him.

Now at 21 I have an incest, rape and age play fetish. I could deal with the first two but the age play disgusts me. My body actually gets excited thinking about being a child again and getting abused again. And I hate it.

I am getting therapy for this currently but am afraid to tell the part about me making up that story. Because they will probably all think I am a horrible person and deserved it.

Did anyone else get abused or assaulted my someone younger than them? Did people believe you?