Not a girl or AFAB btw, just wanted to make that clear.

The first time someone outright voided my consent was when I was 13 and my 16yr old partner told me it didn’t matter because she wanted it. That she knew I would want it. That she knew she could make me happy if I just listened to her and stopped fighting.

From the age of 17-20 I’ve been in consistent relationships with or experienced stalkers or emotional/sexual abusers taking advantage of me. Now I’m single, getting the help I need, surrounded by a much more supportive circle of people. Gaining more independence in my life from my abusive parent. Holding a steady IT job. Almost done with school. Things should be better.

But inside I’m still so empty. I miss it. And I hate that I miss it. I have never felt better, but I have also never felt so lost. Sometimes I wish I could let a new abuser into my life who can’t judge me for the dark things I experienced or still desire. If they stalk me, beat me, rape me, torment me, gaslight me, I know I should care but deep down I won’t. It’s what I feel like I deserve now. It’s where I’ve felt most valued in my life. Where my life felt like it had true substance. That sucks.