This happened so long ago I’m not really sure of the time. Anyway is it rape if we were both around the same age and I think they didn’t really know what they were doing. I had no clue what was going on and I’ve been struggling with how to label it. They suggested it and it was a game like role play. We’ve done that before like army man and reenact TV shows and superheroes but nothing sexual. This is the first time I’ve actually put it into writing this is the first time I’ve actually sought out something, a way to. I categorize it. I feel like I remember, not liking it. I didn’t want to do it, but it’s been so long ago. I don’t even know anymore. I’ve just been burying it ignoring it over the years I look back and always see. It’s always easier to make friends with girls than it is with dudes. No one knows about it. It happened in my room with my mom in the living room watching tv. I feel like if I ever verbalize it , I will no longer be me, I feel like if I ever make it known to my family I will die inside like a part of my character will wither away they will no longer look at me the same way. I feel like this will weaken me. I have to be strong because the world is dark and hateful and has no room for weakness because weakness means death and that frightens me. So I push this memory down and I bury it as far down as I can and ignore it, pretending like it didn’t happen because I’m strong like that. It what I tell myself, I’m strong enough to bury it and move on to keep pushing forward I even joined the Marines and served for 5 years and discharged with honorable. I’m a Marine now so that means I’d have no time to dwell on this. The world doesn’t give a fuck about what happened back then, so I keep pushing and I keep fighting. But during times when Im so exhausted it creeps back with feelings of doubt and shame for being so weak. No one knows but me and I’m pretty confident that they don’t even remember. There is no justice to have or whatever, there is only to keep existing and live. I hate myself for dwelling on this, I just want to move on to continue living like it never happened. Like up till this point and this moment the memorie didn’t exist it was lost to the void and then here I am thinking about it. I don’t know where I am going with this or even what to expect. Sometimes I feel like I can’t enjoy life events because I feel like at times but not always but at time I feel numb like there’s a second skin or a force field that keeps me from connecting with the energy of the moment. The times when I interact with nature or animals like wildlife is when it breaks through alll that and I feel total and complete bliss like I’m truly and completely happy. Like I could get lost in that moment forever. I must keep living and moving forward. wildlife is too beautiful to be missed, I am sorry if none of this makes any sense but this is the first time I have recognized it happened and put it to words and it sickens me and angers me for being so pathetic and weak minded. I should not be doing this. What’s the point ya know, I have no idea what will become of this. I don’t know if I’ll get any insight or anything, something. I just don’t know why I decide to type this out, for some reason I just feel compelled to and I hate and dislike it. I don’t know what else to say her so, my bad y’all.