I will leave out some details bc I don't wanna be identified, just in case someone in my life recognizes me.

My (eventual) rapist was my first partner, ever. The first guy who consistently wanted to see me, hang out with me, and have sex with me. He was my "first" in many different ways.

Up until 7 months ago, he'd always stop if I said "no" or "stop". He would always respect my consent, and even stop to check if things were okay.

Then we had an argument, and stopped talking for a couple months.

Out of the blue, he asked to see me and gave me a half assed apology. I essentially told him "no", and that I was looking for a boyfriend (which he didn't want to be.)

A couple months later, I missed him, and wanted to see him again.

That's when he turned into someone else.

Long story short, he raped me. But I was so confused, because he cuddled with me afterwards, and I was desperate for his approval.

The next few times we saw each other, he raped me again each time. I was so torn, and afterwards, I kept looking up "was I raped?" on google.

The last time I saw him, I decided that I couldn't do it anymore. It hurt too much, and it was now clear that he didn't care about me.

I filed a report, but the police said it's difficult to do anything, because I had consensual sex before the rape. But they still filed a case and might do a pretext call.

I've been spiraling, but I have an EMDR trauma therapist now. But it's difficult, because it JUST happened. How can I explain how this has affected me? My initial response has been to distract myself, go on social media & watch tv. Pretend it didn't happen. Sleep a lot.

But my rapist contacted me last week. I heard his voice over the phone and my whole body felt desperate for him again. Like I want him. But also, I don't want to have sex with him, because I know he would absolutely 100% rape me again (meaning that he would keep going when I tell him to stop- he would make it painful). Also if I do see him, it would jeopardize the police investigation/report I have on him.

But now I am starting to feel hopeless. I feel like my therapist doesn't get it. I don't have "specific measurable ways" that this assault has affected me yet. At least, I don't know how to verbalize it. She told me I should check out a book about feeling Worthy. I don't really want to.

I know my rapist is coming into town next week, and wants to see me. Part of me wants to just allow him to hurt me again. The other part of me strongly does not. It sucks because I am starting a new job very soon, that is going to be a stressful job. (I got through networking my parents). My parents don't know, I can't handle their inevitable response of sadness, anger, and then subconscious blame on me.

Thank you for listening. I think I just wish I didn't feel so alone.