I’ve heard the phrase “time heals all wounds” before, I’m not sure who first said that but quite frankly they’re full of shit.

At first I solely blamed myself, I hated myself. I can now understand that the onus of responsibility can never fall on a child in a sexual situation. Guilt turned to shame, shame turned to hate, hate turned into a deep depression.

I am having a good week, for the first time in a long time. But I feel as though I must ask someone a question that I cannot ask in my personal life.

Will I ever stop feeling bad? Sure, I have days in which I don’t feel completely terrible about what happened, but it’s always there. I think about it every day, especially at night. It feels like a scar on my brain that I can’t get out. When I feel happy, he is there to drag me down. When I feel bad he is there to hold me in that murky place. I feel like I’m going crazy, like it’s some irrational fear. He cannot hurt me, I live across the world from him, and yet I am still afraid. I still flinch at the touch of others, I still cry at night, I still feel guilty and disgusted at any sexual content or activity but feel compelled to engage in it like a punishment. Part of me feels missing, and I do not know how to get it back.

I’ve talked about it many times with my therapist but we never dig deep due to her not wanting to leave me in a distressed state after an oh so brief hour.

I try to bury it under a mountain of distractions but that feeling always comes back. So I ask, because I need to know that I’m not just going insane: when does this stop? When do I get to feel ok again?