TW: I'm really conflicted and I can't keep my head straight on this one, so it may or may not be considered triggering for people who have experienced rape/sexual assault. Also, this is long. I'm sorry.

I just had a sexual encounter with a guy. We reconnected today, found our schedules are hard to line up, but we could do something tonight. I'm not usually impulsive but I said "screw it". Some background: I've been making it a goal to be the bottom and experience anal this year. When we were figuring out whether or not something was going to happen, he said that we didn't have to do anything penetrative if I wanted to. My response was "yeah, but even if we don't want to do anything penetrative, I'd rather be clean when you eat me out." (I'm biologically male, if that helps.)

I get there, we get right into it. He's got a fantasy that he's really into right away and I'm sort of going along but a bit overstimulated. I get a little jittery when I'm doing something impulsive, so I was sort of trying to get my brain straight on my sensations and my enjoyment. We proceed to the bed, we do all the good foreplay and he eats me out and it's pretty okay, I'm still a bit off but I'm game so I'm just riding the moment as it comes.

We grind, mimic anal for a bit, and then he goes down on me again before propping me up missionary. My hole is right against his cock. He's been praising my pussy so far, and he says that he "wants to put it in for a little bit." This is the moment I'm really conflicted over. I've been half-into his fantasy, I'm in the moment. There's a brief pause where I'm supposed to say something, and I remember thinking Oh, I should say something. He doesn't explicitly ask if I want to do this, and I don't get my head together to decide whether or not I explicitly want to get fucked tonight. I wasn't ruling it out but I wasn't 100% in the room thinking I'm gonna get fucked tonight. I also didn't ask him his stance on protection and he isn't wearing any. We're going off of spit and him eating me out instead of lube.

The moment passes, I don't say anything, and he pushes in. My body is fine, the sensation is different than I imagined it would be. It feels like it's missing something, and he's probably feeling a lot more than I am. The night proceeds. Fifteen or so minutes later, maybe less, we're done. I do tell him not to cum inside me, and it takes me way longer to cum and I feel weird about it and I wasn't sure why it was taking so long. It was not a super enjoyable experience for me, to be honest, and that's how I felt leaving.

And then I'm in the car and I can't remember saying "yes" to anal. I can't remember him stopping to ask me about protection, about testing. I don't know why I feel weird-- I've had few sexual encounters, but I only ever felt slightly disappointed... or looking forward to doing more. I've never been this full of weird emotions and shit. It's not until I'm in the shower (because I don't like smelling like sex) that I put these thoughts together. I can't remember saying "yes" and I know I didn't say "no", or couldn't decide quick enough to say "no" because I don't think I expected anal to happen. I chose to come over, I wanted to have some sort of sex, he didn't pick me up and he wasn't aggressive but he was in the moment.

There's a lot of hazy communication here, a lot of implied consent and a lot of weird gray area. At least, that's how it feels to me. I need some help, I need second and third and fifth opinions. I'm more likely to diminish how I feel because I know memories aren't perfect and I'm always the skeptic and the thinker and the person who tries not to just run with their first impressions. I know that right now, a part of me wants to say "nah, it wasn't rape". There is another part of me that can't stop obsessing over how I'm not sure about certain details and that has to mean something.

I'm sorry this is long, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. It's been almost two hours. I'm just now thinking that I don't feel 100% like myself. That doesn't make me feel good.