I get it. Friendships/relationships of any kind take effort, communication, and time - absolutely. But FFS, I have never been more socially exhausted and overwhelmed in my entire life. I'm 25, and I have very few close friends that I've been able to keep for more than three years. I'm grateful for the ones I do have who understand life happens, are able to pick up where we left off and not take it personal if we haven't spoken to/seen each other in longer than a couple of days.

There have been a handful of people I've "befriended" within the past 5-6 years. Many of whom I actually considered myself to be quite close with for a period of time. A couple of those people ended the friendship solely because I wasn't "there" enough or wasn't as "present" as they wanted/expected me to be.

The one that has me the most butthurt happened a couple of weeks ago. Back in February of 2021, I was in a DV shelter for 6 months and had met a woman who I'll call "Brenda". Brenda and I kept in touch after we left the shelter and ended up moving within walking distance of each other. She became somebody I called my best-friend. Brenda is 37 years old and has three kids. I also have a four-year-old son. Somehow, life for me has become even more stressful since leaving the shelter. Something I suppose I've learned about myself - under immense stress - I unintentionally go MIA and shut everything out. Something I've never dealt with before and am actively trying to fix.

There were times when Brenda would text me, or send me a message on Facebook, that I don't have my notifications on for, and have told this to Brenda. Brenda sometimes wouldn't receive a response from me for a couple of days. I explained to her very early on that sometimes I'm garbage when it comes to replying to a message in a timely matter. There are days where I'm barely around my phone at all, and there's a lot of days where I feel so mentally and physically drained, that when I get a moment to myself, the last thing I want to do is ...socialize. I've told her countless times that if she needs an immediate response, to either call me, or to literally come over to my apartment, or if I'm able, I can go see her if need be. I told her I'd never be inconvenienced or upset if she were to do either, and that she's always, always welcome to call or drop-by when she wants to or needs to.

Mind you, Brenda and I were friends for less than two years. June was a particularly all-around bad month full of things I still have trouble comprehending, which Brenda knew about. At the time, Brenda also had some strange woman she'd met off of a dating site, whom she knew for only a couple of weeks prior, who also lived an entire state over, and Brenda had her moved in with her, and her three kids after seeing each other in person three, maybe four times. A couple weeks into Brenda moving her in, Brenda tells me her new girlfriend supposedly wasn't fond of me, for reasons that are still unknown to me. Brenda and I would see each other at least once a week, but she began being discreet in hanging out with me - so I wasn't at her house much around that time and stopped randomly dropping by. Brenda's birthday was in June, and around that time, I didn't hear much from her. If she didn't hear from me for a while, she'd usually check up and see if everything is okay, and I did the same for her if I had not heard anything in a while. During a couple of attempts at reaching out, her replies were short, and somewhat ...passive aggressive.

A week after her birthday unknowing to me, had come and gone - she sends me a text saying verbatim - "um so... not to be a jerk, but you kind of forgot my birthday". Of COURSE, I felt like a jerk. But the only fucking way I would've known it was her birthday was if I would've gone on Facebook, that I barely ever check, or if she would've communicated with me like a mature adult and maybe said something along the lines of "Hey, my birthday is on ___. Let's do something, yeah?", then it wouldn't have ever been an issue. Am I inconsiderate for not expecting somebody who's known me for less than two years to remember the exact day my birthday is on? If only I’d been more considerate and check Facebook to make sure I don't miss anyone's birthday, instead of making assumptions most people are capable of using their words? After the several times I attempted to reach out, I'm not understanding why she didn't say anything until giving me the cold shoulder for a week?

The responses from her in the months leading up to a couple of weeks ago were short, and somewhat hostile, and I definitely felt a vibe from her that I never expected of her. I still kept reaching out but was given nothing to work with until I asked her if I did anything to upset her.

…Her response, and conversation that followed, was also extremely unexpected. To sum it up – she told me I’m "never there", that I’m a sub-par friend for not being a mind-reader because I didn’t even know about her "court date" with her ex-husband, and I'm a jerk for not "asking how it went" – the court date she mentioned in passing, weeks to a month prior. That her 14-year-old daughter is "the one" who "brought it up" to Brenda a while ago and was the one who brought the fact that I'm "never around" to Brenda's attention. To which I audibly cackled at upon reading. Brenda told me if I would’ve bothered asking, I would “know” that her world has “completely fucking exploded”, and she’s “barely surviving”.

Is it that outlandish to think that ALSO could’ve easily been solved with using your words like a fucking adult with something like "Hey! I had court today and ____ happened. Ain't that a bitch?!", and I would’ve easily been there for her if she needed anything, or to vent or whatever she needed to do? Am I the jackass for immediately thinking- what in the “I’m the only one with problems” shit is THIS? Why are you clearly “venting” to your 14-year-old daughter who shouldn’t have any business in your juvenile “adult” drama?! She also said quite a few personal, hurtful things about my situation with my son's father, and about my son. Which is upsetting considering the unfortunate place we were both at and shitty circumstances that led us to becoming friends in the first place. It hurts because I genuinely never had a negative thing to say about Brenda, and thought she was one of the most genuine, and supportive people I’ve met and was so happy to have her in my life. I 120% believed there was a …mature, mutual understanding that were both adults. We have shit we have to do, life has us BOTH bent out of shape. That it’s not always possible, healthy, or practical, to always be “available”, but if we need each other, our doors are always open.

After she finally was able to get that strange woman out of her house, she stole a bunch of things from Brenda before she left. She wasn’t working and didn’t have any money. The entire time she “lived” at Brenda’s, Brenda was the one who was buying her food, cigarettes, weed, and booze, and was pissed when Brenda stopped. Brenda STILL keeps in contact with this hooligan but burned a bridge with someone who actually gave a shit about her, was there as much as I possibly/mentally could be, would never steal or use her, and loved the shit out of her and her kids! Because I wasn’t constantly blowing up her phone and keeping in 24/7 constant contact or keeping track of her life when I can barely keep track of my own! I wouldn’t hold any one to that standard, so I can’t understand the staggering number of individuals I’ve met in the last couples of years, who will tell you to fuck off - if God forbid you do anything on your own time. If you tell them that you, too, have a lot going on, they tell you that the world doesn’t revolve around you, …even though, that’s the exact reason I don’t hold anybody to that standard because I’m painfully aware the world doesn’t at all – stop for me.

I’m not talking about emergencies, or anything important, or if someone just really needs someone to talk to, as I would make myself available in that situation. But I also can't read minds, know what you're feeling if you don't... say anything. But WHY must we constantly have to have a text conversation, a Facebook conversation, and a scheduled fucking phone call every single day, all at the same time, or risk being called selfish, and a shitty friend if I can’t keep up?

So, what I've gathered from these is experiences is - because it usually takes less than 10 seconds and is so simple to get in instant contact with anyone either by messages, phone calls, video chats, etc. instantly - I’m expected to again, be 24/7 available… It’s exhausting, stressful, and the pressure of feeling like I HAVE to reply in a timely matter makes me even more hesitant.

My (much) older sister whom I never had much of a relationship with until I reached out to her about a year ago completely ghosted on me for sometimes not responding on the same day. I’ve tried getting ahold of her quite a few times, but she hasn’t said a word since last November, after she sent a text saying, "Happy Thanksgiving!" but still keeps in contact with my brother. After she implied one of the times we spoke, she stopped responding to my aunt after she complained how long it would take her to respond.

Why do people do this?! In my opinion, if that doesn’t scream "It's all about me!" I’m not sure what does.