why cant i think about shit before i do it

im so fucking impulsive

why am i like this

im never gonna get anywhere in life like this

and yet

i still do it

against my will

im such an asshole and i dont know why

i cant fucking handle a simple joke without getting mad

and when i do, it ruins my mood for the entire day

making me lash out to other people

and regretting it later

sometimes i feel like im using adhd as an excuse and faking my symptoms

like its too severe to be adhd

im medicated, why would this even be a problem

people say that i cant take the blame for anything

that i always try to place the blame on someone else

and im being angry for no good reason

other than to be angry

as i have said

why am i like this

why does it always seem that the world is against me

and that when i say,

"hey, i dont like this,"

suddenly everything shifts to the fact that its not so bad

then i become guilty

and the sole problem of everything

the achilles heel

i dont want to be angry

i dont want to be an asshole

and yet, i am

i am the asshole

i am the fault

i am the broken part that needs fixing

but how

in what way am i broken

am i depressed?

am i a psychopath?

am i a sadist?

am i even in control of my own body?

i dont know what the fuck is going on

and im scared of what lies ahead

i have a thing in my head

thats always doubting every statement i make

or inserting thoughts that arent mine

like,

i know i shouldnt be scared

its probably just my abysmal social skills

but why is my brain saying that its something else

something worse

im probably overreacting to be honest

but yet the thought remains

i dont know if im making any sense right now

im really just typing away, letting it all out

thinking out loud

to myself

to the abyss that is reddit new

and the three people that look at the post

and think that im insane

maybe i am

maybe im not

this time in my life is very confusing

theres still a multitude of topics i havent even touched

maybe it should stay that way

maybe it shouldnt

i dont know

maybe i never will know

maybe one day, ill find the answer

and say back to myself,

"thats it? thats all it was?"

or maybe itd be much worse,

"i should have known better."

im in no rush

and yet my brain is telling me i am

"you gotta hurry up"

"you gotta get sorted out

before its too late."

and i know i have plenty of time

but the thought persists,

"you need to hurry"

"time is running out"

its stressing me out way further than what i can handle

i know school isnt very stressful at the moment

but i cant help it but get stressed

if something takes more than a couple minutes i feel like im going to die

and there are people in my grade

doing just fine

and ill repeat it again,

as many times as it pops into my head

why am i like this?

why do i make everything overly complicated

everything much worse than what it actually is

getting stressed at each turn

getting mad at everything

everything that goes wrong

hell, even if things go right

do i like being mad?

does it bring joy to me?

i dont know

im going in circles

probably

you know what im not going to dare revise this

im too hard on myself already

so here ya go

a shitty vent thats way longer than it needs to be

to the two people who see this in new

thank you for reading

i guess

its not really necessarry

but its a little too late now, isnt it

ahh fuck it

ima end this here

so bye