I’m having a panic attack. And I’m slightly high. So it’s worse.

I need job

I need job to get out into an apartment but that’s far so I need job to get car but that’s hard because I need to get job and I need to get credit but I need to sort out ssn paperwork and then get credit and then build credit and then get loan and then get car and then get bigger job and then get apartment and then steadily live in that boring depressing ass life because that’s what I’m working towards for 4 long years and then somehow hope that I get used to the whole grinding for absolute shit and no reason thing without going completely insane and still having the time and money to be able to do the things I truly actually want to do

I need job.

On top of that, the drama bullshit the staff bullshit the reality of being poor and borderline homeless at the homeless fucking shelter you live at exists. Plus the eternal knowledge that you could’ve had a better life. You could’ve done better at school. You could’ve been Princess but you had to run away from home in search of passion or whatever and became fucking street urchin.

It’s like all I’m doing is fighting, outside, inside, everywhere, all the time and I don’t know why or when I can stop I’m just fighting in a blind exhausted rage that nobody even knows why started anymore.

What are we doing? No, like, really? What ARE we doing?

I just want a job and then set everything up in my life so that I can just be like “The Old Kat set the allowance limit on my bank accounts and she was wise because she was young and sane” every time I need to do anything in my life and hope that I get so set into that routine that I get old and withered and die away still doing that having no idea that whatever job we get now would by then absolutely have gone extinct.

How are other people not horrified by this? Where is that spark of revolution or whatever? Where is that wind of change? Where is MY eras wave of change and hope? How have we all just accepted to get led into this slaughterhouse on a drug induced hazey hope of better housing opportunities and better ease of life? When did we become the very mindless drones that cause our own selves our biggest issues?

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

DEFINITELY NOT HOMELESS KAREN HOPEFULLY NOT STILL. coz at that point I want you to spend actual money and track me down, buy a rifle, aim it through my fucking jaw and actually shoot it coz whatever last resort fucking hope hailmary shortcut ridden path this is doesn’t work? It has to. It must. there must be a purpose, right? There must be something. Anything. Even a doge meme. But nothing? Absolute shit? Fuck. Right. Off.