I have 2 kids, biokid 11M and stepdaughter 9F. Both kids have ADHD, my son primary inattentive, my stepdaughter combined type. Son is unmedicated, stepdaughter is, and it can get pretty hectic between the two of them.

I've been reflecting a lot on my parenting lately- areas where I should be improving, what's working, what I've learned. I would describe my parenting style as low-structure and authoritative. I generally let the kids dictate how their day will go. If they want to play games and watch movies, that's fine. If they want to visit friends, that's okay too. If they want to go out and do something I try to make that happen. At mealtime I ask for their input and as long as it isn't junk (and sometimes, fast food or sushi is okay too) I generally oblige them. I also let them have some say in bedtime, although sometimes I dictate when that will be, especially if the lateness has been increasing, I need time to myself or with my partner, or if they have school in the morning.

Most crucially, I feel like I run a fairly democratic and egalitarian system. The children are obliged to do chores but they are welcome to give input on what they feel they want to do. I will tell them what needs to be done and ask them what chores they want to do. Sometimes I will issue a command to clean up a certain mess, but typically phrased as a "would you please" request. They also have to make time every day for more enriching things (mostly reading, crafting, independent study, exercise) but what they want to do and when they want to do it is partially up to them.

To get to the main point of my post; A few years ago, I realized something, and it was that disciplinary measures and punishments rarely helped matters when the kids misbehaved, were argumentative, or made mistakes. It only really seemed to lengthen the upset that their actions had caused, or escalate the problems they were having. I observed that if I reacted to their misbehaviour with punishment, they usually became more and more upset, and it didn't seem to help very much at all in correcting their actions. Additionally, when my kids were punished, they were no less likely to repeat the behavior that incited the punishment to begin with.

As a result, I began trying to find new ways to address the problem. Only the most serious infractions (hitting or intentionally trying to damage belongings) result in a time-out, and only a refusal to cooperate and apologize/make amends results in privileges being revoked. Thankfully, the less I incorporated disciplinary measures for other things, the less frequent these instances became.

When my kids talk back to me, I generally handle it the same way I would with an adult, by telling them how I feel. "Don't speak to me that way, please," with a stern tone. Typically this is sufficient, but if they continue to speak to me disrespectfully, I try to do a time-in, where I ask them to join me in a distraction-free zone til we get to the bottom of why they are talking to me that way. Sometimes, there are reasons why they are upset and steps we can take to address it, sometimes they just need a moment to chill out and talk about their feelings.

If the kids are taking too long to do something necessary, such as cleaning up after themselves or getting ready to leave home, I take away what they are currently occupied with, usually with warnings. "I really don't want to take away your game/toy, but I'm going to have to if you don't do what's needed from you." Sometimes, taking things away will result in pouting, sulking, or a brief outburst. Typically this is either ignored or I try to communicate with them why it was necessary for me to do it. I usually try to emphasize the detriment they are causing to themselves or other members of the family, and attempt to use reason and empathy so they can understand where I'm coming from.

Full-on emotional outbursts or inappropriate/disrespectful behaviour is handled by either initially ignoring it, or coming to their side to try and help them articulate what's going on, why they acted that way, and discussing what they can do about it. Often an offer of an affectionate gesture (a hug, a hand on their back/shoulder) goes a long way, even if they don't always want to in the moment, they usually want one at the end of our discussion.

This method is, admittedly, time consuming, requires a lot of patience and a cool head. I've slipped up and yelled at the kids, or have not thought through the consequences of what I'm saying to them, or not offered the best of solutions. However, what I will say is that my kid's behaviour only improved once we removed punishment and most forms of discipline from our parenting arsenal. I mean... big time. My son and I have not had a real conflict in actual years. My stepdaughter, who is the more challenging one out of the two, does act out occasionally, but not nearly as severely as she used to. She knows she can't get a rise out of me, and I believe sees the benefit of getting along with everyone as best she can. When her temper or defiance flares up, it generally settles down much faster and with less drama than it used to when we used to issue punishments.

Overall I feel very confident that my kids are not 'spoiled brats'. I get lots of great reports on their behavior and have seen wonderful improvements at home. They are agreeable, kind, cooperative, happy kids who have great communication skills.

All that being said... I am a complete layman on this topic. Not a child educator, or development specialist, or anything like that. And I suppose I am lucky that my kids are largely amenable and sweet. I know this cannot be the case for every family and some children may not respond to this method. That said, I do see parents making what is in my mind, the mistake of consistently punishing their kids with no results. If punishments aren't working, then talking, and empathizing and listening might.