I fucking blew up over soap while washing the dishes because someone added water into the fucking pump. I don't fucking like it that way and have been told that it makes cleaning ineffective, other than that I like seeing it gooey or slimy or whatever the fuck its texture is.

Earlier my mom and I had a fight. And it's because of fucking rice. She fucking accused me of not cleaning the pot well enough and that's why the rice ended up brown (surprise, it's fucking burnt, and yes we don't have rice cookers because my senile grandmother ended up making our last one implode). It literally has fucking smell of burnt fucking rice and insists that she's fucking right and says that I never admit to my wrongs.

Right then and there I wanted to make her feel what she made me feel when I was in 2nd grade and so on.

I don't know how to get help. Mental health services in my country suck ass but cost as if you're shitting gold.

Yesterday she fucking beat me with a broom and I have bruises. The broom was metal and it broke. She pulled my hair, and dragged me across the floor. Before that, I was sleeping, I only had less than 2 hours of sleep then, I felt her kick me on my feet and legs to wake me up. I don't want to get into detail because I don't think that her reason justifies violence. Throughout the whole thing, I was dissociating so hard to minimize the pain, I was staring at the floor and her yelling became white noise. I can't remember shit.

I've become less and less and less and less able to empathize or even fucking sympathize with her dumbass. I just can't. Please help. I'm just afraid that maybe one day I'm going to end up punching her in the face with all my might because of all of the suppressed anger that I have because when I want to talk about the shit she's done to me, everything gets blocked out, and I end up doubting myself again. I end up questioning myself whether I'm in the wrong.

I apologize if this post is too violent. I've had enough.