I’m quitting suboxone after five years of being in drug rehab therapy. I live with my parents, and I am my dad’s unpaid caregiver. I sent a message to our family chat last week, (including my brother and sister in law) and informed everyone I was going to start the process of quitting. I listed possible symptoms of withdrawal. And of course everyone is “here for you.” Every addict has heard it a thousand times, but in my experience (and the experiences of many of my peers, shared in group therapy,) is that people SAY that because it’s a societal nicety, but in reality, they don’t have any effort earmarked for being there for us. It disgusts me to see it happening to addicts in general, but it REALLY hurts me that my PARENTS, who are supposed to be my final line of defense, that unflappable support net, act that way.

Today, my dad has an appointment, so my mom took off work to go with him. She arrived home well over an hour before they need to leave. I asked if she would run me to the convenience store A BLOCK AWAY, so that I could get water and caffeine (because in withdrawing, I’m dealing with serious muscle fatigue and can barely walk through the house, let alone dehydrated in the heat to the store.)

My mother’s response: “Why don’t you walk up?”

I told her why. And I stood there for fifteen minutes, refusing to waver and let her get away with ignoring me, while she watched fucking Facebook Reels. She never answered me because she knows if she ignores me long enough, I’ll get angry and she won’t have to do whatever it is I asked for help with. But she acts like she’s the mother of the fucking year while she’s got her face crammed into her phone actively willing me to go away.

But this time I refused to go away. My dad started getting himself ready to go, and asked me to find his keys. When I answered in a flat voice, I got “sweetlew07, what is WRONG WITH YOU today?!” I stared at him, incredulous, and told him I’m withdrawing, I just wanted to get some water, but I asked, TWICE, and no one could dignify me with an answer, THATS what’s wrong. I found his keys, looked at him, and asked “so CAN YOU?” And this mother fucker shouted at ME like I’m the problem. I tried to tell him not to raise his voice to me, and he just kept saying “stop!” When I tried to speak. And then had the gall to say “if this (waves hand) suboxone thing is going to be a problem, you’re going to have to go stay somewhere else for a while.”

No, you fucking moron. You can tell me I’m the problem until you’re blue in the face, but your OPINION doesn’t change the fact that I communicate openly and clearly with you, and YOU’RE the one with the issue. When people see our family from the outside, they look at ME with pity, not your old ass. Because I have to deal with your abuse and gaslighting. People from my past have even come out of the woodwork and told me they didn’t like how my dad treated me (he abused me, beat me; often severely,) “but it wasn’t my place to say anything.”

Yes, yes it was. Do not ever just brush child abuse under the rug, or you might end up brushing the child up under the rug too.

My dad once told me that I’m a reminder of all the ways she’s failed in life. Well it’s really no wonder she failed with me, is it, when she ACTUALLY, actively makes effort to ignore me, instead of just doing the low effort thing and being helpful. I’m always offering to buy her Coke Zero when we’re out, just desperate to cling to the tiny bit of relationship she and I have, but she does this shit time and time again… I really need to stop giving her any extra effort.