I've posted about this before (I think) but I'm getting into a funk of wanting to talk to my parents again. I (28f) miss who they (63f/64m) were before I became a teen. I know I shouldn't. Convincing myself to pick up the phone isn't happening, either way. I know better. But it doesn't make the hole left any smaller, and it doesn't make it any easier to hear/see the interactions of other people who didn't grow up with narcissists enjoying their parents/siblings' company. I can't LC with my older brother because I know that ANYTHING I tell him will end up getting straight back to my nmom. And my younger brother still lives with them so it's NC with him as well.

Essentially I have to act as though my family is dead. Every once in a while, it'll hit me like a train and I can't claw out of the depression/self-pity and I just want to verbally HURT someone. But instead, I withdraw. I go on longer stints of not talking to people, or hanging with anyone, or interacting at all. My hobbies become forgotten, my cleaning tasks get forgotten or ignored. Hell, I can't even bring myself to shower because why should I bother? I've got no family, and no one bothers to check on me anyway. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt like this or gone through this, but I hope it gets better soon.

Thanks for reading/listening y'all.