I don't know how to explain this right, but I will try.

I think the thing that I hate the most about NPs are their inherent lack of empathy, selfishness, and constant state of "I have it, but I won't help you because you aren't kissing my ass anymore/because you've become the new "black sheep/scapegoat/target of hatred". My trauma specialist says that I can expect a roof over my head and that is it. And it's unfortunately true. Despite being disabled (and being forced into a financially abusive situation due to a succession of mail fraud/tampering and gaslighting), I FINALLY got approved for disability. But, basically, the only being that cares If I'm gone is my service dog. Especially if I'm hospitalized without him. I've heard he cries, which, to a normal human being would be the normal response to that.

Long story short, I was hospitalized and nearly died due to my blood pressure tanking and it was entirely due to malnutrition and dehydration. Why? Because despite living in a home, nobody bought food and I'm on food stamps. I slept for 4 days except to feed my dog and nobody checked on me. I asked if there was food and they only bought for themselves, so i went without. Thats happened multiple times. Oh, then I totaled my car and just received my settlement and they only released $3k but you know what I've had to spend the majority of my money on? Not a new car, no. Fucking bare essentials. I'm talking like blankets, pants that fit, Thermal wear as I have circulation issues, ect. Thank goodness for the kindness of nextdoor because absolute strangers have helped me with everything from dog food to food for myself.

But, anyways, despite currently having money and food stamps, I will always be a bargain shopper so when I found great deals on veggies esp like organic colored carrots and such, I decided to make huge batches of stew. I've made chicken stew, turkey stew, I'll be making beef stew and creamy chicken stew. Like, it's stew time. I had done a big dinner extravaganza for Christmas where I took donations and was able to feed over 30 homeless people, 6 food insecure people, and our local fire department (mostly to thank them for responding quickly and not letting me die when my BP tanked and they couldn't get my veins to cooperate due to the dehydration). This time, I'm offering stew, snacks, drinks, and dog care packages. And you wanna know why? Because my NG had the nerve to tell me she wouldn't give me a dime for some food yet left for.vegas the same day then is taking her son to Hawaii. Her 50 year old son. She's paying for it. Me? She gave me a literal wagon and some quarters and made me.walk 4 miles to the laundromat.

I know that I do what I do because I not only want to give back but also because I know how it feels. Before new years of last year, I spent 3 years living out of my car, in trap houses, in gang motels. But, Odin couldn't do it anymore and I chose his wellbeing over my own as always.

I know this is a long rant, but does anyone else intend to go shopping to make themselves feel better and end up just buying other people (or your pets) things? Why do we do this? Why do we get ourselves the essentials but others get luxury items? I don't get if. But, I feel like I can't be the only one who does this.