It’s no surprise that I have chosen distant, flakey, narcissistic or borderline women who abandon me.

My mother showed me the way, so many years ago. She trained me to take it.

She hasn’t been in my life in any sort of meaningful way since I was 15. She abandoned me to a violent and sociopathic father who I always thought was the “bad” one. Surprisingly, my mothers abuse has actually been the more insidious.

I feel that I’ve healed from what my father has done after 20 years of no contact. His behavior is like water off a ducks back.

However, it’s my mothers neglect and abandonment which still cuts deep and still fucks me up so profoundly. That abuse leads me to choose emotionally unavailable women who push/pull and who I chase, trying to get them to love me. Unsurprisingly, it never works.

I have no real idea how to fix it. I thought I had been working on it after two marriages to narcissists and then fell for a woman with BPD. Her expression of what felt like real love opened my heart in a way I haven’t experienced, only to then be discarded and abused by this woman who finally showed me what love feels like for the first time.

Thanks mom…

Merry Xmas to those that celebrate, and happy holidays to everyone.