My thoughts are very scattered right now, so my apologies if this post is messy.

I was so excited about heading to my dream school in September because I knew I would finally be away from my Ndad, but those plans might be put on hold, and I really can’t spend another year with him, and I feel like he knows that.

When I got accepted to the school, I suggested the idea of a gap year to my parents in the hopes that I could spend some time laying a better foundation for my mental health. At first, they thought it wasn’t the right choice, but the moment I agreed with them, they changed their minds. I realized that if I stayed home for a year I would be with my dad for another year longer than I planned. I want to cut of all contact with my dad the moment I graduate because he is paying a significant chunk of my tuition, and he basically uses that as a ransom to have me in his control. I think when I changed my mind so quickly, he realized that he could keep me in the house for a year longer before college to use as his emotional punching bag.

We were told that the deferral date was August 15th, but the person at admissions made a mistake and the actual date was August 1st, 3 days ago. They said they would hold on to that date they gave me just for my situation, but my dad is only giving me tomorrow to convince him to let me head to college this year or he is going to defer for me. It’s not even my choice. If he wasn’t there, I would be thrilled to have a year to stay and work on therapy, get my drivers license, make some money, and work on some art projects. But since he’s there I want to throw that option out immediately because I know it’s just not worth it at ALL. On top of that, I have 8 siblings, all of the older ones are out of the house, and one of my two younger siblings is heading to a boarding school this year. This means it will just be me, my mom, my little brother who is becoming just as narcissistic as my dad, and my dad, who usually stirs trouble out of nowhere when we are alone. I’m fucking tired and terrified of him, and I just can’t keep this shit up much longer. I’ve considered just running away earlier than I was planning, but I’m not really financially able to do that. On top of that, I would lose access to therapy and my medication which has been just barely keeping me somewhat steady. I’m really starting to lose hope on this and I just don’t know what to do and I’m fucking scared. Any advice on this? I know I probably missed some shit here because my head is a mess right now, so feel free to ask for more info