I've been through hell with my parents. Most of my life has happened in my room, very very alone and very frustrated that I couldnt do anything I loved.

Now it's been few months I'm living alone (thanks to covid) but the situation will soon come back to normal I guess.

But these months alone made me forget how unbearable life is around my parents. And I made this terrible nightmare yesterday that my mother died and I didnt tell her I love her since I was a small little kid.

Despite all the pain and the anger I feel, I don't want to make them suffer. I know they have a mental condition that they aren't aware of and I just want to have a normal life without hurting anyone because I couldn't have a normal life with the weight of the guilt.

And this nightmare really messed me up. I wanna tell them I love them. I'm so confused. I build a wall of empty emotions for so long because I always knew I'd eventually have to go away and that it'd be better not to have strong links to cut off. Not only have I stopped expressing feelings but mostly I stopped having them.

What can I say, this urger to have a sweet mother daughter feeling is me begging for a normal relationship. Have you ever experienced that? Please tell me I'm not the only one, it feels just so messed up to have good feelings for Nparents. I could really use some comfort and tap on the shoulder.