Trigger warning for transphobia, homophobia, religious abuse, promotion of suicide.

Excuse this messy post, I'm not too familiar with reddit in general. I just wanted to post a bit about things that I've gone through, because my parents both deny that things have happened in an attempt to gaslight me about the quality of my childhood and their own parenting. It's hard to talk about these abuses with friends because it's such a downer, but I feel I need to vent them somehow so that I can feel like they're real.

I had a very loving mother in the first 5-7 years of my life, or at least from what I remember. It wasn't until ages 9-13 that her narcissistic, abusive behavior began to emerge. She and my enabling stepfather joined a incredibly strict and controlling church and began to attempt to have their own biological children and my world changed overnight. I began self-harming, I began to experience gender dysphoria at the onset of puberty, and they only got more controlling and cruel. I wasn't allowed to have experiences outside of the church, my attempts to express my discomfort in my own body (and my bisexuality) were viciously silenced. I was even placed into a private religious school that dealt corporal punishment.

When I began to socially transition from ages 17-20, they would tell me I should have died as an infant, because at least babies are sinless and go to heaven. That living in sin was the same as committing suicide, because I was destined to go to hell anyway, so I might as well kill myself. I tried to leave after I turned 18, and my father would physically prevent me from leaving. He punched holes in my bedroom walls to threaten me and keep me silent. They threatened to put my dog in the pound if I left. They threatened to call the police and tell them I wasn't mentally well enough to live on my own, and that the police would put me back in their custody. I finally got out, living on my friend's couch for a year before starting college.

In the time that I had no contact with them, they left their church. They started to get better. I started speaking to them again, but kept my distance. Since then, they have come around about the homophobia and transphobia. But the narcissism hasn't changed. They deny the things they said and did to me, they deny that I had no choice but to leave their home, they credit themselves for the fact that I started college, even though all they did was help me move a mattress into my new apartment after I did everything myself from someone else's home because I couldn't tolerate their abuse.

While I was in college, they frequently congratulated themselves for my achievements, saying I wouldn't be where I was without them. My dog, after going blind, had to live with them for awhile until I could get my class schedule stabilized so that I didn't have to leave her alone for very long. I visited them for Christmas, with plans to take her back with me, and nMom said that was fine. But when we got into a disagreement and I left with my dog, she threatened to call the police and say I stole her, even though the dog had belonged to me my entire life and had only been living with her for a year. They made me come back to their house and CLEAN in order to take my dog without a fight.

I graduated college and didn't have anywhere else to live and didn't have a job lined up, so I had to come back and live with them again. The N behavior gets worse when I stay with them for any period of time. They forced me to run their business, saying I "owed them" for loaning me a bit of money to move/finish my degree, but refused to give me a total. Refused to pay me anything. When I would feel ill or have a migraine, they would call me a liar and scream and slam doors. I eventually had to leave with everything I could fit into my car and live with a friend. Again. I left the state and moved 16 hours away, entirely away from them.

I had no contact for 2 years. Due to COVID I eventually came back to the area, and I started speaking to them again. My apartment situation fell through because of a shitty roommate who made my living conditions unbearable, so I'm back staying with them again while I look for another apartment. It's a bit different now, since I have a good job and have enough money to leave any time I want. No contact for 2 years also helped scare them enough for no one to raise their voice at me again. But they are still the same people. They nickel and dime me for every inch of everything I use. They want to fight me on payment and who owes who, but I just pay whatever they want so they can't complain. I pay them MORE than what they ask for, so there is no discrepancy. I keep my distance and don't trust them. Essentially, they are strangers to me, not family.

I've learned not to talk to them anymore about what has or hasn't happened, because they do nothing but deny it. If they can't deny it, they defend it. They claim I've never been forced to leave, but that I keep running away. They conveniently forget about every time they've leveraged my dog's health and safety and happiness against me. It apparently never happened. They have never apologized. My mom is now a huge supporter of LGBT people (amazing, I know) and posts on Facebook about "poor LGBT kids who don't have a home, I'll be your mom" while she still denies how much she abused me and made my life hell over it when I was a teenager. Her sudden pro-LGBT attitude is great, but it makes me sick in a lot of ways. The rest of my family (which is still religious) has nothing to do with me or my parents because of my transition, and nMom frequently paints herself as a martyr who "stood by her child" against her family.

Being here now, even though things are under control and not nearly as bad as they have been when I was young, has made me realize even more that they aren't my parents. I will always keep my distance from them. They will always guilt me, manipulate me, say that I "owe them" if I let them. I know how to prevent them from getting entitled now, which steps to take, how much money to pay them for every little thing so they can't get any leverage. But it drives me insane that they will never admit the things they've done to me. I'm an only child, so I have no one that witnessed the things that were done and said to me. But they happened.

Thank you for letting me rant, everyone.