Let me preface this by saying I do absolutely love my mum, I know she's done the best she can and she has her own issues with her narcissistic parents that have never been fully resolved. I believe she simply doesn't know any better.

Anyway, I was talking to my best friend this weekend (who lives overseas), he recently got diagnosed with ADHD/depression. I've known him most of our lives and this wasn't surprsing to me. We were having a chat about his upcoming visits with therapists and I was asking what the process is for him. He asked if it was different where I'm from and I said I wouldn't know as I have never had therapy but I had thought I could benefit from it.

He then started laughing (not in an unkind way, our relationship is usually to give eachother a hard time) and asked how the hell have I not been in therapy when I'm more mental and have had way worse things happen in my life than he has.

My whole 20s (turning 30 later this year) have been plenty traumatic which my parents are well aware of and I said I remember telling my mum specifically that I want to go to therapy and she brushed it aside and said I need to practice mindfulness and turn to our faith (not Christian).

Reflecting back on that conversation makes so so angry right now. I have so many hang ups in relationships; friendships and romantic, I struggle with authority figures as well. I just wish my mum and dad had helped me go to therapy when I clearly needed it, but they both have the habit of pretending things are fine when it's not. Or if it hasn't affected them directly then it's nothing to worry about.

I know I'm suppressing a lot of what has happened to me and talking with my best friend has made me a bit scared of everything that's there but I know if I don't get help it's not going to go away on its own.

I don't want to be angry, resentful or always anticipate the worst outcomes in life anymore. I guess these next steps are going to have to be figuring out how to get into therapy.